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From TV Week:
"Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" adds Ryan Seacrest's name to the title.
So, ABC's annual special has been retitled "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest," with Seacrest continuing to co-host with Clark.
I think maybe the title should be:
"Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin Eve With Ryan Seacrest:
Wherein Our Fears Of Aging Are Made Flesh By The Once Ageless Clark Who, Now Infirm, Stares Into The Eyes Of Ryan Seacrest And Sees There The Flame Of His Own Once Vibrant Youth, And In A Moment Of Rage, Clasps His Hands Around Seacrest's Neck And Screams, 'Give It Back, Seacrest! Give Me Back My Life! I Squandered It, Seacrest, And The Bony Hand Of Death Reaches up From The Hell Mouth To Grasp At The Hem Of My Garment. Help, Me Seacrest, Help Me!'
Also Featuring Pink And The Jonas Brothers."
But that's just me.
So, enjoy mine below, and consider picking up a copy. Independent press thanks you!
Timmy Fenmore, Gifted Third Grader, Answers Your Questions About Sex
by Wendy Molyneux
Dear Timmy,
When I met my wife she was a real firecracker in the sack, but now that we’ve been married for three years, she just rolls over at night and goes right to sleep. Any suggestions as to how I could get her in the mood?
Thanks,
R. R.
Dear R.R.,
I never tried setting off a firecracker in a sack before, but one time I stole a firecracker from my dad’s shed. My friend Laura and I went down by the creek and lit it. My mom found out and said that when my dad got back from his business trip I would be in trouble. But then my dad never came home from his business trip because he met a nice Phillipina lady in Los Angeles. I don’t know if you know this, but the primary exports of the Philippines are electronic components and apparel, but according to my mom it’s also crawling with whores. Anyway, I don’t know how you can get your wife in a mood. Low serotonin levels in the brain can alter moods for the worse. So you could try to expose her to stimuli that would raise her serotonin levels, like ice cream or reruns of Farscape. I used to be able to stay up and watch that at nine, but now Mom sends me to my room so she can have a special grown-up soda. My favorite soda is Mountain Dew Code Red, but I can only have one glass or I’ll never get to sleep.
Stay Cool,
Timmy
* * *
Dear Timmy,
I am a thirty-five year old woman with a steady boyfriend. But lately I’ve found myself attracted to other women, and even made out with a female co-worker at the office Christmas party. I love my boyfriend and I don’t think I’m a lesbian, but is there anything wrong with this kind of experimentation?
Confused,
L.T.
Dear L.T.,
I love experiments, and experimentation is how we find out about the world and come up with our most basic scientific principles. Now that dad is gone, my mom said I could use his shed as my own laboratory, as long as I don’t use any fire or corrosive chemicals. I found some magazines hidden behind a board in there that had a lot of pictures of ladies kissing and hugging each other. If you want to kiss another lady, it seems okay, especially if you are both nurses or lonely farm-girls. According to the magazines, sometimes girls just can’t help it, especially if there are no men around. I guess now that my dad is gone my mom might start kissing other ladies. I just hope that she doesn’t start kissing Mrs. Benkelman from next door. She smells like onions and cats, and if my model airplane accidentally lands in her yard, I won’t get it back.
Sincerely,
Timmy
* * *
Dear Timmy,
I’m an old fashioned guy with old-fashioned values. I married my wife because I knew she’d be happy staying home with the kids and making me a hot meal every night. But then she took a class at the Learning Annex about female sexuality, and now she wants us to try all kinds of fancy stuff in bed. I don’t know why things just can’t be the way they used to be. Is there any way to talk her out of this crazy business?
Desperate,
B.G.
Dear B.G.,
Have you ever heard of entropy? Entropy is the principle that says that any isolated system will tend toward disorder and chaos. Any attempt to control the universe and keep it the way it is will be fruitless in the face of this tendency. But sometimes the best things happen because of accidents, like when my mom fell asleep on the front lawn after her girls night out and when I was waking her up I found a snapping turtle in the grass. Or like when Alexander Fleming accidentally discovered penicillin.
Besides, would it kill you to eat your wife’s pussy once in a while?
All the Best,
Timmy
The Three Or Four People You Meet In Heaven
Walking With Scissors
Eat, Pray, And Then, I Don't Know, Maybe Make Some Phone Calls?
The DaVinci Code
At IO West
6366 Hollywood Blvd.
Los Angeles, 90028
Thursday, May 29th, 8 pm
See you there!
- - - -
OK, guys. Something happened out there. You ran a lot, and sometimes you threw and caught the ball. Anyway, somehow we wound up being down by 28 points. And that's not good. Even I know that. That's four touchdowns. Or maybe it's four touchdowns and four kicks. I think you only get 6 points for a touchdown and then you have to kick the ball. And you probably have to kick it from a certain distance. I don't know. But listen. Here's the thing. You guys have got to do better in the second half. Because there are only two halves. The halves are about 30 minutes long, and there is a halftime show, sometimes with John Fogerty.
I didn't even know that guy was alive, and sometimes I think he's Peter Frampton, and sometimes I think he was in Dire Straits. Was he? Anyone?
So look: I don't know who to direct this to, because I can't tell you apart. That's a big part of why I never watch football. I can't see your faces, so the sport lacks the inherent drama of baseball or basketball. And there are so fucking many of you on this team that it confuses me. Because only 11 of you can play at once. Or maybe that's soccer.
Let's do this: if you played in the first half, raise your hand.
Really? Wow. I don't recognize any of you.
All right. Well, here's what I can tell you. You have four chances to get a first down, and to get a first down you have to advance the ball 10 yards down the field. You can do that by passing or running the ball. I don't think you can kick it, but I would not quote me on that. Before each play, you'll get together in a huddle, and the quarterback will tell you what to do. Then you'll line up facing the other team. Some guy will move before everyone else. Most of the time that's OK, but I think sometimes he goes too soon and that's called a "man in motion." Maybe. Anyway, the quarterback will then pass the ball through his legs. Nope. Strike that. The guy who hikes the ball will pass it through his legs to the quarterback. And then the quarterback will either pass the ball or run it.
Now, this is important. If he gives you the ball, run toward our goal and try not to get tackled.
So, that's it, it's simple. Oh, and if you know what any of the following things are, try not to do them:
1. Holding
2. Facemasking
3. Excessive celebration
OK, you guys. I know you're probably bored shitless out there, and you want to claw your own eyeballs out for forgetting to bring a magazine. I know that you probably got involved in this whole football thing because you were pretending to like it to impress a guy. But now you're stuck actually having to play through an entire game. So just—I don't know—maybe think about what you're going to do after the game or tomorrow. If you can find a way to get drunk, maybe you'll start actually finding this fun. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. If all else fails, just concentrate on how good the shiny pants look on your teammates. Yeah, that's a little gay, but fuck it. We're down by 28 points, so we have to do whatever it takes. Seeming a little queer is the least of your problems.
I guess what I'm saying is try to do better. Or don't. Whatever. I'm not going to pay any attention.
