Bye, Suckers

Hey listen. I am going to Las Vegas tomorrow to gamble and sleep with whores. That doesn't mean you can rob my house, because people are staying there, okay? But if you do rob it, can you please also clean that place up? I'm tired of living in filth.

Anyhow, I'm pretty sure that I'll be coming back as a billionaire (that's how Vegas works, right?), and I already know how to handle it.

See below.


HOW TO TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE A BILLIONAIRE
WITHOUT SOUNDING OBNOXIOUS
(originally written for McSweeney's)


1. Excuse me, but did you know that I am a billionaire? Well, I am. Nice wheelchair, asshole.



2. Pardon me, but did you drop this wallet? Oh, no, wait. I dropped it. I guess because it was so full of money. (Sigh.) Billions of dollars, in fact. Come back here or I'll hire someone to kill you.



3. My, what a cute baby. I have a baby at home made entirely out of one-hundred-dollar bills. Why do you think Jesus loves me so much? Is it because I am a billionaire?



4. What nice weather we're having. I enjoy the rain. I also enjoy inviting a bunch of orphans over to my house and telling them that I am going to adopt them. Then, at the end of the day, I gather them around me and, after pausing to puff on my pipe, I say, "Just kidding, jerks." I am a billionaire.



5. Do you know what a billion dollars looks like? I guess not, because you are blind. I'm sleeping with your wife.