Everyone has been so busy in the last few hours reading about how John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife , that they may have missed these headlines about what else John Edwards did today.
From the New York Times:
John Edwards Eats Endangered Panda Steak While Parked In Only Handicapped Parking Space at Manhattan Village Mall.
From the Washington Post:
John Edwards Reveals Non-Existence of Santa to a Gathering of Katrina Orphans, Then Sets Little Girl's Teddy Bear on Fire While Punching Julie Andrews in the Face and Making Fun of Doomed Challenger Space Crew.
And from the Christian Science Monitor Online:
Only Known Unicorn Stabbed, Suspect Still at Large.
16 comments:
Frankly? And I mean, "In the style of Frank," he always bugged me. I mean, if John Kerry was a hunk of SlimJim/Balsa Wood composite, JE was pure plastic Ken Doll-and-brylcreem/Crest-Whitestrips-masking-minibar-scotch-habit. So, yeah, anyway, cheating on your breast-cancer-stricken lifepartner...way to stay classy, John Edwards! Hope your dead kid approves [sobbing, mucous, run away].
And, as a native North Carolinian: screw you, asswipe. (Not you, Wendy...John Edwards). We're not all documentarian-humping hicktards with three teeth and a 5-legged goat. [more sobs, petting goat]
PS: John Edward was that guy in 'Gunsmoke', right?
hicktards. I love hicktards. And Wendy, why do you continue to antagonize unicorn lovers? We are a peace-loving people.
Next headline prediction: Child sits up points at John Edward's Lie of all Lies Interview and says: DaDa!
Then
Edwards Campaingn Fund Audit: 15K Per Month Spending Labeled As Mufflers, Mums, Secret and Toddler Fingering Foods
@ octopede
Oh yeah, for YEARS I've ben saying there's something wrong with that guy. I'm sort of glad to know my creep radar is working.
If I were Elizabeth Edwards, I would be taking half his sweet fortune and spending it on candy and video games.
But that's just me.
How is your goat? Does he eat buttons and garbage, like they do in books. Also, how many of your kids have blue skin and how good are you at the banjo. Please send me all your remaining teeth.
I think he also dated Jon Benet Ramsey for a while back in the day. He used to take her to underground Cock Fights in the dark alleys of Denver then buy her food containing trans fat and bha's?
Oh and he's a secret muslim.
Wendy, I don't understand that last headline: "Only Known Unicorn Stabbed, Suspect Still at Large"
I mean, first of all, who did the unicorn stab?? Isn't that important information that should go in a headline??
And since it was the unicorn who did the stabbing, who is this "suspect"? I certainly hope the unicorn is the suspect.
The only part that really makes sense is the very end, in which we learn that the "suspect" (i.e., the unicorn, one hopes) is still at large. That's not surprising. Unicorns are incredibly elusive and people have been trying to find them for years.
Is John Edwards a unicorn?
Who the hell would stab a unicorn? That's just pure evil of the evilest kind. Is it possible Tim Curry is about to finally destroy daylight?
Dear Duane,
This sort of misunderstanding happens all the time, as unicorns are known to be horrifically violent.
But!
In this scenario, someone actually stabbed a unicorn.
Thanks you so much for your inquiry, and if there are any other mythical stabbing matters that need clarification, don't hesitate to write!
WM
You know, I wonder what Endangered Panda Steak tastes like....
And it's good to know I'm not the only one who'd like to punch Julie Andrews in the face :]
Fantastic Blog, I'm definitely subscribed to this one.
-Drew
God damn Julie Andrews.
@WM: I actually had goats as a child. Intelligent, underrated animals. I cannot stand the flavor of goat cheese because it tastes the way goats smell. Also, the goats peed on me once in the car. Much like John Edwards has peed on the Ryan-Seacrest-of-the-left sort of thing he was cultivating.
@WM: Oh, also: goats eat buttons and fart zippers. This is a little-known fact hoarded by farmers everywhere.
What's a fart zipper? Can they be used to stab unicorns? Can Julie Andrews pull them out of her mystical Mary Poppins' bag? Help! I'm so confused!
A fart zipper is the scientific term for the device your plastic surgeons can implant allowing you absolute control over where and in front of whom you pass gas. Julie Andrews has one herself which is why, to this day, no one has ever seen her fart.
FUCKIN' HILARIOUS COMMENTARY HERE. I LOVE LOVE THIS BLOG.
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