I just saw online that they've renewed one of my favorite shows from last year, In Treatment, on HBO. I mean, the show was filled with tragedy and sadness, but it was really HYPNOTIZING.
Anyway, the show is about therapy, and in celebration of In Treatment's renewal here's an oldie my husband Jeff Drake and I wrote for McSweeney's. Please to enjoy!
Dispatches From Couples Therapy
By Wendy Molyneux and Jeff Drake
- - - -
Session One
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, we're going to start with a very simple exercise. Jeff, I want you to fill in the blank. In order to make this relationship better, I could ...
JEFF: Um, listen more?
DR. MANSFIELD: Great. Listening is always good. OK, now, Wendy, I— Wow.
WENDY: Yes?
DR. MANSFIELD: Sorry, it's just that I really like the color of that sweater. It's very nice.
WENDY: Thank you.
JEFF: Yeah, you look great.
DR. MANSFIELD: Nice try, Jeff.
Session Two
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Jeff. Fill in the blank. The best thing about Wendy is her ...
JEFF: Smile.
DR. MANSFIELD: Try again.
JEFF: Eyes?
DR. MANSFIELD: (makes buzzer sound)
JEFF: Sense of humor.
DR. MANSFIELD: The correct answer is tits.
Session Three
DR. MANSFIELD: So let's try a little fill in the blank, Jeff. When I get ...
JEFF: Are we ever going to do anything but fill in the blanks?
DR. MANSFIELD: I'm sorry, did you graduate magna cum laude from Stanford?
JEFF: No, but I was just asking—
DR. MANSFIELD: Or maybe you have the No. 3 book on the New York Times nonfiction bestseller list?
JEFF: I'm sorry. I spoke out of turn.
DR. MANSFIELD: I'll say you did. Just fill in the blank.
JEFF: OK.
DR. MANSFIELD: When I get a prostitute, it's because Wendy doesn't ...
JEFF: Wait. I've never gotten a prostitute.
DR. MANSFIELD: Please just do the exercise. When I waste money on hookers, it's because Wendy isn't ...
JEFF: This is ridiculous.
DR. MANSFIELD: You're ridiculous.
Session Four
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, today we are going to try some role-playing.
JEFF: Oh, no.
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Wendy, you are going to be a Wild West saloon girl and I'll be a cowboy. Let's begin.
JEFF: Wait, what am I?
DR. MANSFIELD: You're a monkey.
JEFF: Why am I a monkey?
DR. MANSFIELD: Tsk tsk. Do monkeys talk?
JEFF: Sorry.
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, now, Wendy, come over here and sit on my lap.
JEFF: No way.
DR. MANSFIELD: I'm a lonely cowboy, and I haven't seen a woman in months. How about a kiss, beer wench?
JEFF: OK, cowboys don't say "wench." That's just historically inaccurate.
DR. MANSFIELD: Please pardon my monkey. He keeps yowling. And he's a liar.
WENDY: That's OK. He's cute!
DR. MANSFIELD: No, he's not. He smells. He doesn't make very much money. And, apparently, he doesn't own anything other than cargo pants.
JEFF: That's it. We're leaving.
DR. MANSFIELD: Wait. No! Let's try another one! I'm a priest and Wendy's a choirgirl and Jeff is a stupid fucking idiot.
Session Five
WENDY: So, Mr. Stanley—
DR. STANLEY: Dr. Stanley.
WENDY: Sorry. Anyway, Doctor, we were a little less than satisfied with our last therapist.
JEFF: He broke into our apartment and stole a bunch of Wendy's underwear.
DR. STANLEY: You're angry, Jeff. And that's OK. That's healthy. It's also powerful, manly, and hot.
JEFF: Um, thanks?
DR. STANLEY: Does anyone mind if I take off my pants?
- - - -
Session One
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, we're going to start with a very simple exercise. Jeff, I want you to fill in the blank. In order to make this relationship better, I could ...
JEFF: Um, listen more?
DR. MANSFIELD: Great. Listening is always good. OK, now, Wendy, I— Wow.
WENDY: Yes?
DR. MANSFIELD: Sorry, it's just that I really like the color of that sweater. It's very nice.
WENDY: Thank you.
JEFF: Yeah, you look great.
DR. MANSFIELD: Nice try, Jeff.
Session Two
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Jeff. Fill in the blank. The best thing about Wendy is her ...
JEFF: Smile.
DR. MANSFIELD: Try again.
JEFF: Eyes?
DR. MANSFIELD: (makes buzzer sound)
JEFF: Sense of humor.
DR. MANSFIELD: The correct answer is tits.
Session Three
DR. MANSFIELD: So let's try a little fill in the blank, Jeff. When I get ...
JEFF: Are we ever going to do anything but fill in the blanks?
DR. MANSFIELD: I'm sorry, did you graduate magna cum laude from Stanford?
JEFF: No, but I was just asking—
DR. MANSFIELD: Or maybe you have the No. 3 book on the New York Times nonfiction bestseller list?
JEFF: I'm sorry. I spoke out of turn.
DR. MANSFIELD: I'll say you did. Just fill in the blank.
JEFF: OK.
DR. MANSFIELD: When I get a prostitute, it's because Wendy doesn't ...
JEFF: Wait. I've never gotten a prostitute.
DR. MANSFIELD: Please just do the exercise. When I waste money on hookers, it's because Wendy isn't ...
JEFF: This is ridiculous.
DR. MANSFIELD: You're ridiculous.
Session Four
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, today we are going to try some role-playing.
JEFF: Oh, no.
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Wendy, you are going to be a Wild West saloon girl and I'll be a cowboy. Let's begin.
JEFF: Wait, what am I?
DR. MANSFIELD: You're a monkey.
JEFF: Why am I a monkey?
DR. MANSFIELD: Tsk tsk. Do monkeys talk?
JEFF: Sorry.
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, now, Wendy, come over here and sit on my lap.
JEFF: No way.
DR. MANSFIELD: I'm a lonely cowboy, and I haven't seen a woman in months. How about a kiss, beer wench?
JEFF: OK, cowboys don't say "wench." That's just historically inaccurate.
DR. MANSFIELD: Please pardon my monkey. He keeps yowling. And he's a liar.
WENDY: That's OK. He's cute!
DR. MANSFIELD: No, he's not. He smells. He doesn't make very much money. And, apparently, he doesn't own anything other than cargo pants.
JEFF: That's it. We're leaving.
DR. MANSFIELD: Wait. No! Let's try another one! I'm a priest and Wendy's a choirgirl and Jeff is a stupid fucking idiot.
Session Five
WENDY: So, Mr. Stanley—
DR. STANLEY: Dr. Stanley.
WENDY: Sorry. Anyway, Doctor, we were a little less than satisfied with our last therapist.
JEFF: He broke into our apartment and stole a bunch of Wendy's underwear.
DR. STANLEY: You're angry, Jeff. And that's OK. That's healthy. It's also powerful, manly, and hot.
JEFF: Um, thanks?
DR. STANLEY: Does anyone mind if I take off my pants?
