I submitted this list for an upcoming Radar list. Not sure which, if any, of mine were included. I'm also not getting credited there, so since like five people read this blog, I'm posting my full submission here. Please to enjoy!
Inappropriate Secret Santa Gifts
Hi! Please meet Jeremy Piven. He’s going to spend the rest of your life with you.
Handmade paper-clip swastikas.
A gentle desk-side tea-bagging.
Rats
Um, you’re not fired. That’s your fucking Christmas present.
Shrimp scampi
A tiny baby Jesus figurine carved from a stick of butter, toast points.
Nuggets
Do you like snakes? No? Oh. Um, don’t go home.
Searing loneliness.
A gift certificate for five dollars worth of brain surgery
Lumps
Soft moaning
A complimentary night at the Ritz-Carlton hotel, secreted away inside the fat rolls of a person with poor personal hygiene.
An Apple laptop! Just kidding.
A box that if you open it, you’ll get a million dollars, but someone that you’ve never met before will die. Oh, you opened it? Well, now I am going to give it to someone that you’ve never met before. That’s right. Now you are going to die. Merry Christmas, dead guy. Look, I’m sorry. I was kidding. Stop crying. You aren’t going to die. That was just a box I found in the supply closet. You’re fired.
Iraq
A molar
Chridney, the talking Christmas kidney
An alpaca farm
Cocaine
Ointment
A pap smear on Santa’s Sleigh
Chest hair extensions
Someone else’s breast implants
Thyroid disease
Season tickets to your gun show
Notebook paper margins
A sack full of wishes, a pocket full of dreams!
An abortion
A Christmas card you received from your insurance company
Your yarmulke
An iPod loaded with 80gb of your mother reciting your failures over and over again.
Tampons
Jessica Alba’s first novel
Gasoline
A lifetime membership in Oprah’s Boob Club, if you know what I mean! I mean you can touch her boobs. Touch them or you are a racist.
Awkward silence
A hasty marriage proposal
A Cat-scan
Secondhand smoke
A prostitute
Secondhand smoke from a prostitute
A Cat-scan from a prostitute
Hey, I got you some cat toys for your cats. Oh, you don’t have cats? Weird, you seem like the kind of girl who would have a lot of cats. It also seems like you’re a virgin who cries a lot.
Lunchables.
Your very own coke pants.
A Weight Watchers membership
You know that poem you sent me, the one you wrote in college about that guy you met when you were studying abroad in Prague? Well, I forwarded it to everyone in the office! Merry Christmas!
Regis
Christmas Chrabs
Rendition to Saudi Arabia
Secondhand fuck-swing
A howler monkey
A soap dispenser, freshly ripped from the bathroom wall
I spent a little more than we were supposed to, but I took out a contract on your life.
A videotape of every shower you’ve taken in December.
I’ve kidnapped your baby so that you can have a more peaceful Christmas
Sneak up behind co-worker, taser him, shout “It’s a Christmas miracle!”
An orgasm
Ryan Seacrest
