Sleep with one horn open.

Oh no. 

Somebody found my site using this search:

Referring URL http://www.google.co...ogle Search&aq=f&oq=
Search Engine:  google.com
Search Words:  unicorns stab

If you see sparkly, childrens'-wish-filled, hot-pink blood running in the streets, alert the authorities immediately.

The Stories They Missed

Everyone has been so busy in the last few hours reading about how John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife , that they may have missed these headlines about what else John Edwards did today.

From the New York Times:

John Edwards Eats Endangered Panda Steak While Parked In Only Handicapped Parking Space at Manhattan Village Mall.

From the Washington Post:

John Edwards Reveals Non-Existence of Santa to a Gathering of Katrina Orphans, Then Sets Little Girl's Teddy Bear on Fire While Punching Julie Andrews in the Face and Making Fun of Doomed Challenger Space Crew.

And from the Christian Science Monitor Online:

Only Known Unicorn Stabbed, Suspect Still at Large.

Things That Don't Belong Together

Readers! Don't be alarmed, but I had to make an emergency trip to the dentist this morning to have my gold tooth (jealous?) filed down so that I could chew with both sides of my mouth. Sexy, right?

Anyway, I went to a new dentist who was sweet and awesome. And she has a TV positioned right by the chair so you can watch a DVD during your appointment. And most of the movies made sense:

Bee Movie
Legally Blonde
Finding Nemo

Lighthearted, amusing fare to make that cleaning or gold-tooth filing more pleasant. But then I noticed that in the pile was also this:

The Life Of David Gale

From the description on rottentomatoes:

Synopsis: Gale (Kevin Spacey) is a Texas professor and anti-death penalty activist who, ironically enough, winds up on death row for the rape and murder of a colleague. Kate Winslet plays Bitsey Bloom, the brave journalist who sets out to tell to his story. In the days leading up to his execution, Gale fills her in on his life via flashbacks, which include political debates, lectures, sex with a student, rape allegations, alcoholism, divorce, and despair.

I mean honestly, if you choose to watch this movie WHILE getting a root canal, here are some other things you might enjoy:

Listening to Who Let The Dogs Out while getting punched in the junk

Going back to middle school while also being in jail while also having terrible poison ivy and also becoming Paris Hilton's unpaid butler-for-life

Killing yourself while commiting suicide

Two And A Half Men

So, don't watch David Gale while getting your gold tooth filed down (pretty!) but do get your gold tooth filed down, becuase seriously, you have not used that side of your mouth in like two years, and it's like somebody took a thorn out of your paw.

I might even become a nice person now that my tooth isn't bothering me.

From now on, this blog is about candy, unicorns, happy rainbows, and unicorns made of happy candy rainbows.

For My Pregnant Friends

CHILD-REARING READINESS QUIZ

1. Babies should be held:
a.) Carefully in both arms, supporting the head at all times.
b.) By the foot.
c.) By a tiger.


2. The best person to father your child is:
a.) Your husband.
b.) A stranger.
c.) I don’t understand the question. Don’t babies slide down
rainbows onto the backs of unicorns that then deliver them
into your arms?

3. Babies like to eat:
a.) A combination of breast milk and formula.
b.) At fancy restaurants.
c.) Ham.
d.) Oh great, now I have to buy food for a baby and a tiger?

SCORING:

Give yourself 100 points if you finished the quiz. If you have the attention span finish a three-question quiz, you’re definitely ready to care for a newborn!

Imaginary Diseases That I’ve Been Diagnosed With In Dreams, and Their Symptoms

Psychopantosis: The chronic sensation that you are wearing pants even when you are, in fact, not wearing pants.

History!

We ladies, as you know, are not very smart. Luckily, I've come up with this handy clip 'n save timeline. Put it in your purse and whip it out whenever you need to pretend to be smart.

Click to enlarge.






That's from my forthcoming book, which you may purchase one billion copies of here:


Everything Is Wrong With You: The Modern Woman's Guide To Finding Self-Confidence Through Self-Loathing

The illustrations are by the elusive Turkney Wainscot, and the design is by the emotionally available Claudean Wheeler.

Sometimes, The Racist Unicorn Jokes Write Themselves

So, a couple of years ago, I worked on a short film called Teenage Baby with my husbnd and my pal Kate. We made a production website called UnicornBaby.com

On it, Kate wrote that because all unicorns are white, they are racist. Then today, I received this email:


From: Bruce Goldwell
dragonkeepers@gmail.com

What is this about???


Unicorns have horns. (thus their being a UNIcorn)
Unicorns are usually white. (usually white! so sometimes they are pink, blue, orange, black, or whatever.. not into cartoons are you???)

I've never seen a unicorn that wasn't white. (they are Usually white, but you have not seen a non-white unicorn)

IF something is Usually white, that would mean that it is not always white... which means there are non-white unicorns...

Unicorns are racist. (unicorns are fictitious, they can't have a bias such as Racist.. your charge that they do makes you a racist!)

It's a fact. (only in your own mind)

Does that mean that A BLACK PANTHER is racist too cause there a no white black panthers?

Polar bears are white... are they racist too?

the only ones that are racist are those that see people as black or white...

I remember someone by the name of Martin L. King who said he looks forward to the day

when people are judged by the character and not by the color of their skin....

and here you are taking a fantasy creature and turning it into a political icon for your own

agenda.... get off your band wagon and get real....

what you are really saying is the people who draw unicorns as being white are racist... like

an artist has the color of people in mind when they draw a fantasy creature....

the smurfs are blue.. does that make them racist??

Racism carries connotations of race-based bigotry, prejudice, violence, oppression, stereotyping or discrimination, the term has varying and often hotly contested definitions. Racialism is a related term intended to avoid these negative meanings. According to the Oxford English Dictionary , racism is a belief or ideology that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another race or races. The Merriam-Webster's Webster's Dictionary dictionary defines racism as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race, and that it is also the prejudice based on such a belief.[1] The Macquarie Dictionary defines racism thus: the belief that human races have distinctive characteristics which determine their respective cultures, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule or dominate others.

I have never known of a story with a UNICORN that ever depicted that the UNICORN was a superior creature to any human black, white or purple...

Seems to me that people like you love throwing the word RACISM out at every opportunity you can just to create more RACISM!

GET REAL!

I don't care if you are white, black, purple, pink, blue or whatever.. your statement is a blatant attack on something that

is completely outside the realm of your political agenda. You are obviously a racist, that is a fact!!


Just my thought....


BTW.. I checked out your ABOUT US PAGE... is there a reason the three of you are all white....???





Oh Bruce, I think I love you. And tomorrow, I will answer all of your questions right here on my blog! Stay sexy, Bruce.