MonkeyBicycle

So! Here is a thing I had in the new issue of Monkeybicycle. It's their dirty humor issue, and there are so many funny things in it, especially a very funny contribution by the famous famous guy Patton Oswalt.

So, enjoy mine below, and consider picking up a copy. Independent press thanks you!

Timmy Fenmore, Gifted Third Grader, Answers Your Questions About Sex

by Wendy Molyneux

Dear Timmy,

When I met my wife she was a real firecracker in the sack, but now that we’ve been married for three years, she just rolls over at night and goes right to sleep. Any suggestions as to how I could get her in the mood?

Thanks,
R. R.

Dear R.R.,

I never tried setting off a firecracker in a sack before, but one time I stole a firecracker from my dad’s shed. My friend Laura and I went down by the creek and lit it. My mom found out and said that when my dad got back from his business trip I would be in trouble. But then my dad never came home from his business trip because he met a nice Phillipina lady in Los Angeles. I don’t know if you know this, but the primary exports of the Philippines are electronic components and apparel, but according to my mom it’s also crawling with whores. Anyway, I don’t know how you can get your wife in a mood. Low serotonin levels in the brain can alter moods for the worse. So you could try to expose her to stimuli that would raise her serotonin levels, like ice cream or reruns of Farscape. I used to be able to stay up and watch that at nine, but now Mom sends me to my room so she can have a special grown-up soda. My favorite soda is Mountain Dew Code Red, but I can only have one glass or I’ll never get to sleep.

Stay Cool,
Timmy

* * *

Dear Timmy,

I am a thirty-five year old woman with a steady boyfriend. But lately I’ve found myself attracted to other women, and even made out with a female co-worker at the office Christmas party. I love my boyfriend and I don’t think I’m a lesbian, but is there anything wrong with this kind of experimentation?

Confused,
L.T.

Dear L.T.,

I love experiments, and experimentation is how we find out about the world and come up with our most basic scientific principles. Now that dad is gone, my mom said I could use his shed as my own laboratory, as long as I don’t use any fire or corrosive chemicals. I found some magazines hidden behind a board in there that had a lot of pictures of ladies kissing and hugging each other. If you want to kiss another lady, it seems okay, especially if you are both nurses or lonely farm-girls. According to the magazines, sometimes girls just can’t help it, especially if there are no men around. I guess now that my dad is gone my mom might start kissing other ladies. I just hope that she doesn’t start kissing Mrs. Benkelman from next door. She smells like onions and cats, and if my model airplane accidentally lands in her yard, I won’t get it back.

Sincerely,
Timmy

* * *

Dear Timmy,

I’m an old fashioned guy with old-fashioned values. I married my wife because I knew she’d be happy staying home with the kids and making me a hot meal every night. But then she took a class at the Learning Annex about female sexuality, and now she wants us to try all kinds of fancy stuff in bed. I don’t know why things just can’t be the way they used to be. Is there any way to talk her out of this crazy business?

Desperate,
B.G.

Dear B.G.,

Have you ever heard of entropy? Entropy is the principle that says that any isolated system will tend toward disorder and chaos. Any attempt to control the universe and keep it the way it is will be fruitless in the face of this tendency. But sometimes the best things happen because of accidents, like when my mom fell asleep on the front lawn after her girls night out and when I was waking her up I found a snapping turtle in the grass. Or like when Alexander Fleming accidentally discovered penicillin.

Besides, would it kill you to eat your wife’s pussy once in a while?

All the Best,
Timmy