Rejected Titles For This Year’s Company-Wide Human Resources Meeting:

Human Resources '08: Balls-Deep In Policy

Television

Hi! I'm not playing video games right now, if that's what you think. I am a 32 year-old woman and it's almost one in the morning. There's no way I'm sitting here playing video games.

Now that we've cleared that up.

If you happen to reside in New York, the pilot we shot last year, Point View Terrace, got into the New York Television Festival. Maybe you'd like to come? It's free to watch.

Info here:

THE NEW YORK TELEVISION FESTIVAL

Then maybe I can come watch you do something some time, like if you are a glassblower I can watch that. Or maybe you are a baby, and I can watch you be a baby. I don't want to watch you be a racist, though, so if that's your idea of a good time, maybe find another racist to watch you. Enjoying shared interests is a great way to make (racist) friends.

I will destroy fax machine, own future.

So, I have a big meeting this morning, and whenever I have a meeting or interview, I have a feeling not unlike that feeling you get when you walk over a bridge and suddenly become afraid that you will jump off for no reason.

When I am going to an office for something like this, I start picturing myself opening a can of soda and then pouring it directly into their fax machine.

Then when they ask me what I'm doing, I punch a bunch of buttons, say "I'm faxing a soda to Japan," and then run out of the building.

Totally normal, right?

God, I hope they have a fax machine.

The Holidays

The summer is winding down, and with the first signs of fall appearing, it's never to early to start mentally preparing yourself for the upcoming holiday season. Following, some traps to avoid as you celebrate.




Nine Unspeakable Holiday Gaffes


Ensuring department store elves are extra perky by providing them with special “Christmas Meth.”

After priest finishes midnight mass sermon detailing the virgin birth, hollering “Prove it!” from the back of the church.

Taking nap in manger after one too many mulled wines.

At office holiday party, offering to show the ladies your Christmas balls.

For Christmas dinner? Delicious reindeer steak!

At in-laws Chanukah party, saying “Wow! This is even jewier than I thought it would be!”

Selecting and cutting down your own Christmas tree from your neighbor’s living room.

Filling your spouse’s stocking with evidence of your affairs.

Gather neighborhood orphans to announce non-existence of Santa Claus, hope.

Good News/ Bad News/Gun News

The bad news is that my husband was mugged at gunpoint last night.

The good news is that he wrote a funny blog entry about his experience:

Jeff's blog.

I can't write anymore right now because I am too busy working on Periods Magazine.

I'm not kidding.

Get ready to love the changes that are happening to your body.

(Artist's rendering of gunman courtesy of Jeff Drake)

Great Idea

I am not saying for sure that I am going to put out a magazine with only humor written by women, but if I do, it's going to be called "Periods."

And it's going to come out every month, except for sometimes it will be late and all the subscribers will get worried.

I'm kind of serious about this. Kind of.

Why I'm Not Michael Phelps

When I was a kid and my mom took me to swimming lessons, I was so frightened that I threw up in the pool, and they had to get everyone out and clean the pool.

The next time we went, I told the teacher that I had to go to the bathroom, and then I got out and ran away. They had to chase me through the park where the pool was and capture me.

There are probably a lot of other reasons, but mainly those.

Although I would like it a lot if one of the Olympic athletes would throw up in the pool and then run away.

If any Olympic athletes are reading this, I will mail you five dollars if you do that.

Come on, it's just the Olympics.

So...

...it's the middle of the night and I'm working, but really, I'm thinking about this commercial I saw earlier for FRIED ICE CREAM at Sonic Burger. Really? Do we need?

And in the commercial, the girls say they want another one. Another FRIED ICE CREAM. Like ice cream, but also fried! Shoot yourself with a saturated fat-gun!

So assuming that people in commercials act the way the company wants YOU to act, here's the thing:

SONIC BURGER IS TRYING TO KILL YOU.

I think that the plot of Saw V is going to just be a bunch of people at Sonic Burger making amusing remarks while they are killed by eating a variety of Sonic products.

Also? I have not seen any of the Saw movies so that probably makes no sense.

But seriously people, run! The Sonic is coming from inside the giant tubs of fried food.

The Stories They Missed

Everyone has been so busy in the last few hours reading about how John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife , that they may have missed these headlines about what else John Edwards did today.

From the New York Times:

John Edwards Eats Endangered Panda Steak While Parked In Only Handicapped Parking Space at Manhattan Village Mall.

From the Washington Post:

John Edwards Reveals Non-Existence of Santa to a Gathering of Katrina Orphans, Then Sets Little Girl's Teddy Bear on Fire While Punching Julie Andrews in the Face and Making Fun of Doomed Challenger Space Crew.

And from the Christian Science Monitor Online:

Only Known Unicorn Stabbed, Suspect Still at Large.

Don't Fear The Reaper

From TV Week:

"Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" adds Ryan Seacrest's name to the title.

So, ABC's annual special has been retitled "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest," with Seacrest continuing to co-host with Clark.

I think maybe the title should be:

"Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin Eve With Ryan Seacrest:

Wherein Our Fears Of Aging Are Made Flesh By The Once Ageless Clark Who, Now Infirm, Stares Into The Eyes Of Ryan Seacrest And Sees There The Flame Of His Own Once Vibrant Youth, And In A Moment Of Rage, Clasps His Hands Around Seacrest's Neck And Screams, 'Give It Back, Seacrest! Give Me Back My Life! I Squandered It, Seacrest, And The Bony Hand Of Death Reaches up From The Hell Mouth To Grasp At The Hem Of My Garment. Help, Me Seacrest, Help Me!'

Also Featuring Pink And The Jonas Brothers."

But that's just me.

Dennis The Menace Is A Hun

A conversation with my friend Kate.

KATE: What is this cat's name?

WENDY: Hildegaard.

KATE: Is that a viking name?

WENDY: I don't think so.

30 seconds later...

KATE: Oh, I was thinking of Hagar The Horrible.

My Prediction For The Next Complaint From John McCain's Campaign Spokesperson:

"Obama plays race card by appearing on camera."