Other Foreign Policy Experience Cited On Sarah Palin's Resume

While at friend's house, enjoyed a cup of General Foods International Coffee

Got French manicure for Senior Prom

Huge fan of Eva Longoria

Almost drove into Canada once while lost

Watched Fawlty Towers on PBS -- didn't "get it"

Stretched round globe-thingy into proper flat shape, accidentally caught a glimpse of Africa

I'm About To Go Global, My Bitches

Um, as you may remember I revealed here a few weeks ago that I am probably the mother of Baby Trig.

So guess what location shows up in my sitemeter today:

Domain Name		mtaonline.net ? (Network)
IP Address		REDACTED
ISP		MTA Solutions
Location		Continent : North America Country : United States (Facts) State : Alaska City : Wasilla Lat/Long : REDACTED

I am probably gonna go missing any second now once Sarah Palin's security team tracks me down.

It's been fun!

Please make jokes about vaginas in my memory.

Hi.

I don't know what's sadder: how long I've neglected my blog (no one is sad about this) or the fact that I'm coming back now just to tell you that my local news is actually doing a story about whether teens are wearing their jeans too low.

Forget about the election and the mortgage bailout people, black teenagers are wearing their pants too low.

Oh don't worry; now they are doing a story on how the Rialto football team's field is infested with ants.

They just literally said: "They're tackling the problem head on."

I'm moving to space.

Breaking News

Listen you guys, I don't want to feed into this whole Sarah Palin rumor mill, but I have just had a rather queasy realization.

In the past year, I have frequently shunned social engagements, claiming I was burnt out from work, stressed or just uninterested.

I turned down a job even though I was unemployed at the time, claiming the job sounded "like a nightmare."

I have started wearing looser clothing, claiming that "I feel too old to wear anything short and/or tight."

There are times in the last eighteen months, usually after going out with friends, when I can't account for my actions or whereabouts.

And finally, most tellingly, while Sarah Palin remains slim, I am a big ol' chubby chub-monster.

I am sure you can see where I am going with this. Clearly...

I AM THE MOTHER OF BABY TRIG.




PICTURED: MY BABY

Forgotten Fashion

My friend Kate Hahn has a very funny new book out today.

Investigate it here:

Forgotten Fashion

Off To The Races

Well, this post will just be some random thoughts on things because I spent yesterday with children and so I am tired. If you have kids you probably know this. I just rent some kids now and then, and they tucker you out. They like to run around and also if you take your eye off of them for one second, they will somehow find, like, a chainsaw or something and do something horribly dangerous.

I will say that my six year-old nephew has developed a surprisingly sophisticated sense of humor in the last few weeks. We were getting ready to put stuff on the barbecue for dinner and I asked him if he would mind getting into a big tupperware full of oil and spices so we could marinate him before we cooked him. He paused for a beat, and then said, completely deadpan, almost world-weary:

"Of course I will."

Then after we put the kids to bed, the adults played a maddeningly addictive board game called Carcassone. Have you played it? It's nerd-crack. Stay away.

Later this week we are headed out to Kansas City, then on to New York. Don't try to rob me. A serial killer is house-sitting for us.

I might even try to write some travelogue-y type stuff while we are on the road, or it might just be penis jokes again. Who knows! Let's spin the wheel!

One thing I know right now is that I am not too excited about flying on a plane. To me, planes are like the 1800s. I like to read about them and hear about them and watch movies about when there are snakes on them (I loved that movie Snakes on the 1800s), but I don't really want to actually take part in the flying of them. Worst metaphor ever.

See, this is why I just make penis jokes. Like why did the penis cross the road? Get it?

Anyway, I promised rambling, and I delivered. Now I have to go be in the 1800s.

Rejected Titles For This Year’s Company-Wide Human Resources Meeting:

Human Resources '08: Balls-Deep In Policy

Television

Hi! I'm not playing video games right now, if that's what you think. I am a 32 year-old woman and it's almost one in the morning. There's no way I'm sitting here playing video games.

Now that we've cleared that up.

If you happen to reside in New York, the pilot we shot last year, Point View Terrace, got into the New York Television Festival. Maybe you'd like to come? It's free to watch.

Info here:

THE NEW YORK TELEVISION FESTIVAL

Then maybe I can come watch you do something some time, like if you are a glassblower I can watch that. Or maybe you are a baby, and I can watch you be a baby. I don't want to watch you be a racist, though, so if that's your idea of a good time, maybe find another racist to watch you. Enjoying shared interests is a great way to make (racist) friends.

I will destroy fax machine, own future.

So, I have a big meeting this morning, and whenever I have a meeting or interview, I have a feeling not unlike that feeling you get when you walk over a bridge and suddenly become afraid that you will jump off for no reason.

When I am going to an office for something like this, I start picturing myself opening a can of soda and then pouring it directly into their fax machine.

Then when they ask me what I'm doing, I punch a bunch of buttons, say "I'm faxing a soda to Japan," and then run out of the building.

Totally normal, right?

God, I hope they have a fax machine.

The Holidays

The summer is winding down, and with the first signs of fall appearing, it's never to early to start mentally preparing yourself for the upcoming holiday season. Following, some traps to avoid as you celebrate.




Nine Unspeakable Holiday Gaffes


Ensuring department store elves are extra perky by providing them with special “Christmas Meth.”

After priest finishes midnight mass sermon detailing the virgin birth, hollering “Prove it!” from the back of the church.

Taking nap in manger after one too many mulled wines.

At office holiday party, offering to show the ladies your Christmas balls.

For Christmas dinner? Delicious reindeer steak!

At in-laws Chanukah party, saying “Wow! This is even jewier than I thought it would be!”

Selecting and cutting down your own Christmas tree from your neighbor’s living room.

Filling your spouse’s stocking with evidence of your affairs.

Gather neighborhood orphans to announce non-existence of Santa Claus, hope.

Good News/ Bad News/Gun News

The bad news is that my husband was mugged at gunpoint last night.

The good news is that he wrote a funny blog entry about his experience:

Jeff's blog.

I can't write anymore right now because I am too busy working on Periods Magazine.

I'm not kidding.

Get ready to love the changes that are happening to your body.

(Artist's rendering of gunman courtesy of Jeff Drake)

Great Idea

I am not saying for sure that I am going to put out a magazine with only humor written by women, but if I do, it's going to be called "Periods."

And it's going to come out every month, except for sometimes it will be late and all the subscribers will get worried.

I'm kind of serious about this. Kind of.

Why I'm Not Michael Phelps

When I was a kid and my mom took me to swimming lessons, I was so frightened that I threw up in the pool, and they had to get everyone out and clean the pool.

The next time we went, I told the teacher that I had to go to the bathroom, and then I got out and ran away. They had to chase me through the park where the pool was and capture me.

There are probably a lot of other reasons, but mainly those.

Although I would like it a lot if one of the Olympic athletes would throw up in the pool and then run away.

If any Olympic athletes are reading this, I will mail you five dollars if you do that.

Come on, it's just the Olympics.

So...

...it's the middle of the night and I'm working, but really, I'm thinking about this commercial I saw earlier for FRIED ICE CREAM at Sonic Burger. Really? Do we need?

And in the commercial, the girls say they want another one. Another FRIED ICE CREAM. Like ice cream, but also fried! Shoot yourself with a saturated fat-gun!

So assuming that people in commercials act the way the company wants YOU to act, here's the thing:

SONIC BURGER IS TRYING TO KILL YOU.

I think that the plot of Saw V is going to just be a bunch of people at Sonic Burger making amusing remarks while they are killed by eating a variety of Sonic products.

Also? I have not seen any of the Saw movies so that probably makes no sense.

But seriously people, run! The Sonic is coming from inside the giant tubs of fried food.

The Stories They Missed

Everyone has been so busy in the last few hours reading about how John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife , that they may have missed these headlines about what else John Edwards did today.

From the New York Times:

John Edwards Eats Endangered Panda Steak While Parked In Only Handicapped Parking Space at Manhattan Village Mall.

From the Washington Post:

John Edwards Reveals Non-Existence of Santa to a Gathering of Katrina Orphans, Then Sets Little Girl's Teddy Bear on Fire While Punching Julie Andrews in the Face and Making Fun of Doomed Challenger Space Crew.

And from the Christian Science Monitor Online:

Only Known Unicorn Stabbed, Suspect Still at Large.