Rejected Titles For This Year’s Company-Wide Human Resources Meeting:

Human Resources '08: Balls-Deep In Policy

Television

Hi! I'm not playing video games right now, if that's what you think. I am a 32 year-old woman and it's almost one in the morning. There's no way I'm sitting here playing video games.

Now that we've cleared that up.

If you happen to reside in New York, the pilot we shot last year, Point View Terrace, got into the New York Television Festival. Maybe you'd like to come? It's free to watch.

Info here:

THE NEW YORK TELEVISION FESTIVAL

Then maybe I can come watch you do something some time, like if you are a glassblower I can watch that. Or maybe you are a baby, and I can watch you be a baby. I don't want to watch you be a racist, though, so if that's your idea of a good time, maybe find another racist to watch you. Enjoying shared interests is a great way to make (racist) friends.

I will destroy fax machine, own future.

So, I have a big meeting this morning, and whenever I have a meeting or interview, I have a feeling not unlike that feeling you get when you walk over a bridge and suddenly become afraid that you will jump off for no reason.

When I am going to an office for something like this, I start picturing myself opening a can of soda and then pouring it directly into their fax machine.

Then when they ask me what I'm doing, I punch a bunch of buttons, say "I'm faxing a soda to Japan," and then run out of the building.

Totally normal, right?

God, I hope they have a fax machine.

The Holidays

The summer is winding down, and with the first signs of fall appearing, it's never to early to start mentally preparing yourself for the upcoming holiday season. Following, some traps to avoid as you celebrate.




Nine Unspeakable Holiday Gaffes


Ensuring department store elves are extra perky by providing them with special “Christmas Meth.”

After priest finishes midnight mass sermon detailing the virgin birth, hollering “Prove it!” from the back of the church.

Taking nap in manger after one too many mulled wines.

At office holiday party, offering to show the ladies your Christmas balls.

For Christmas dinner? Delicious reindeer steak!

At in-laws Chanukah party, saying “Wow! This is even jewier than I thought it would be!”

Selecting and cutting down your own Christmas tree from your neighbor’s living room.

Filling your spouse’s stocking with evidence of your affairs.

Gather neighborhood orphans to announce non-existence of Santa Claus, hope.

Good News/ Bad News/Gun News

The bad news is that my husband was mugged at gunpoint last night.

The good news is that he wrote a funny blog entry about his experience:

Jeff's blog.

I can't write anymore right now because I am too busy working on Periods Magazine.

I'm not kidding.

Get ready to love the changes that are happening to your body.

(Artist's rendering of gunman courtesy of Jeff Drake)

Great Idea

I am not saying for sure that I am going to put out a magazine with only humor written by women, but if I do, it's going to be called "Periods."

And it's going to come out every month, except for sometimes it will be late and all the subscribers will get worried.

I'm kind of serious about this. Kind of.

Why I'm Not Michael Phelps

When I was a kid and my mom took me to swimming lessons, I was so frightened that I threw up in the pool, and they had to get everyone out and clean the pool.

The next time we went, I told the teacher that I had to go to the bathroom, and then I got out and ran away. They had to chase me through the park where the pool was and capture me.

There are probably a lot of other reasons, but mainly those.

Although I would like it a lot if one of the Olympic athletes would throw up in the pool and then run away.

If any Olympic athletes are reading this, I will mail you five dollars if you do that.

Come on, it's just the Olympics.

So...

...it's the middle of the night and I'm working, but really, I'm thinking about this commercial I saw earlier for FRIED ICE CREAM at Sonic Burger. Really? Do we need?

And in the commercial, the girls say they want another one. Another FRIED ICE CREAM. Like ice cream, but also fried! Shoot yourself with a saturated fat-gun!

So assuming that people in commercials act the way the company wants YOU to act, here's the thing:

SONIC BURGER IS TRYING TO KILL YOU.

I think that the plot of Saw V is going to just be a bunch of people at Sonic Burger making amusing remarks while they are killed by eating a variety of Sonic products.

Also? I have not seen any of the Saw movies so that probably makes no sense.

But seriously people, run! The Sonic is coming from inside the giant tubs of fried food.

The Stories They Missed

Everyone has been so busy in the last few hours reading about how John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife , that they may have missed these headlines about what else John Edwards did today.

From the New York Times:

John Edwards Eats Endangered Panda Steak While Parked In Only Handicapped Parking Space at Manhattan Village Mall.

From the Washington Post:

John Edwards Reveals Non-Existence of Santa to a Gathering of Katrina Orphans, Then Sets Little Girl's Teddy Bear on Fire While Punching Julie Andrews in the Face and Making Fun of Doomed Challenger Space Crew.

And from the Christian Science Monitor Online:

Only Known Unicorn Stabbed, Suspect Still at Large.

Don't Fear The Reaper

From TV Week:

"Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" adds Ryan Seacrest's name to the title.

So, ABC's annual special has been retitled "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest," with Seacrest continuing to co-host with Clark.

I think maybe the title should be:

"Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin Eve With Ryan Seacrest:

Wherein Our Fears Of Aging Are Made Flesh By The Once Ageless Clark Who, Now Infirm, Stares Into The Eyes Of Ryan Seacrest And Sees There The Flame Of His Own Once Vibrant Youth, And In A Moment Of Rage, Clasps His Hands Around Seacrest's Neck And Screams, 'Give It Back, Seacrest! Give Me Back My Life! I Squandered It, Seacrest, And The Bony Hand Of Death Reaches up From The Hell Mouth To Grasp At The Hem Of My Garment. Help, Me Seacrest, Help Me!'

Also Featuring Pink And The Jonas Brothers."

But that's just me.

Dennis The Menace Is A Hun

A conversation with my friend Kate.

KATE: What is this cat's name?

WENDY: Hildegaard.

KATE: Is that a viking name?

WENDY: I don't think so.

30 seconds later...

KATE: Oh, I was thinking of Hagar The Horrible.

My Prediction For The Next Complaint From John McCain's Campaign Spokesperson:

"Obama plays race card by appearing on camera."

The World's Shortest Episode Of Law and Order: SVU

FADE IN: Central Park

Detectives Benson and Stabler examine the body of a forty-year old white man lying in the dirt.

Stabler spots a homeless guy lurking near the police tape.

STABLER
Let's see if our spectator knows anything?

BENSON
Good idea.

Stabler and Benson walk over to the homeless man.

HOMELESS
Hey, it's not a crime to watch.

STABLER
It's a crime if you're covering up for someone.

HOMELESS
I'm not covering up for anyone. That guy got killed by another male
prostitute.

BENSON
Oh yeah, which one.

HOMELESS
The one named Dave Jones.

STABLER
Ha ha. Like the guy from the Monkees?

HOMELESS
Yep. That was him. I think he's the guest star this week, right. So it's
pretty obvious he's the killer. Like that time Martin Short was on.

BENSON
Fine, but what's the twist?

HOMELESS
The prostitution ring was just a cover up for a human trafficking ring run
by other guest star Leah Thompson.

STABLER
Oh.

Ice-T walks over.

ICE-T
You need me to rough this guy up?

BENSON
Not really.


FADE OUT

MonkeyBicycle

So! Here is a thing I had in the new issue of Monkeybicycle. It's their dirty humor issue, and there are so many funny things in it, especially a very funny contribution by the famous famous guy Patton Oswalt.

So, enjoy mine below, and consider picking up a copy. Independent press thanks you!

Timmy Fenmore, Gifted Third Grader, Answers Your Questions About Sex

by Wendy Molyneux

Dear Timmy,

When I met my wife she was a real firecracker in the sack, but now that we’ve been married for three years, she just rolls over at night and goes right to sleep. Any suggestions as to how I could get her in the mood?

Thanks,
R. R.

Dear R.R.,

I never tried setting off a firecracker in a sack before, but one time I stole a firecracker from my dad’s shed. My friend Laura and I went down by the creek and lit it. My mom found out and said that when my dad got back from his business trip I would be in trouble. But then my dad never came home from his business trip because he met a nice Phillipina lady in Los Angeles. I don’t know if you know this, but the primary exports of the Philippines are electronic components and apparel, but according to my mom it’s also crawling with whores. Anyway, I don’t know how you can get your wife in a mood. Low serotonin levels in the brain can alter moods for the worse. So you could try to expose her to stimuli that would raise her serotonin levels, like ice cream or reruns of Farscape. I used to be able to stay up and watch that at nine, but now Mom sends me to my room so she can have a special grown-up soda. My favorite soda is Mountain Dew Code Red, but I can only have one glass or I’ll never get to sleep.

Stay Cool,
Timmy

* * *

Dear Timmy,

I am a thirty-five year old woman with a steady boyfriend. But lately I’ve found myself attracted to other women, and even made out with a female co-worker at the office Christmas party. I love my boyfriend and I don’t think I’m a lesbian, but is there anything wrong with this kind of experimentation?

Confused,
L.T.

Dear L.T.,

I love experiments, and experimentation is how we find out about the world and come up with our most basic scientific principles. Now that dad is gone, my mom said I could use his shed as my own laboratory, as long as I don’t use any fire or corrosive chemicals. I found some magazines hidden behind a board in there that had a lot of pictures of ladies kissing and hugging each other. If you want to kiss another lady, it seems okay, especially if you are both nurses or lonely farm-girls. According to the magazines, sometimes girls just can’t help it, especially if there are no men around. I guess now that my dad is gone my mom might start kissing other ladies. I just hope that she doesn’t start kissing Mrs. Benkelman from next door. She smells like onions and cats, and if my model airplane accidentally lands in her yard, I won’t get it back.

Sincerely,
Timmy

* * *

Dear Timmy,

I’m an old fashioned guy with old-fashioned values. I married my wife because I knew she’d be happy staying home with the kids and making me a hot meal every night. But then she took a class at the Learning Annex about female sexuality, and now she wants us to try all kinds of fancy stuff in bed. I don’t know why things just can’t be the way they used to be. Is there any way to talk her out of this crazy business?

Desperate,
B.G.

Dear B.G.,

Have you ever heard of entropy? Entropy is the principle that says that any isolated system will tend toward disorder and chaos. Any attempt to control the universe and keep it the way it is will be fruitless in the face of this tendency. But sometimes the best things happen because of accidents, like when my mom fell asleep on the front lawn after her girls night out and when I was waking her up I found a snapping turtle in the grass. Or like when Alexander Fleming accidentally discovered penicillin.

Besides, would it kill you to eat your wife’s pussy once in a while?

All the Best,
Timmy

New McSweeney's

Hey, I've got a new one up on McSweeney's today. Check it out:

McSweeney's