Contest Results

All right then. If you are just tuning in, you can read about the contest in the post just following this one.

The challenge was to come up with titles for the list "Bestsellers For People With Low Expectations."

There were many, many good entries, but there can only be one winner. Well, one winner of the fours books, the two other finalists will each get a copy of my book. Talk about low expectations!

In the end, there was one that just seemed the saddest, and therefore the funniest. The one about someone who didn't even have the energy to, you know, die.

WINNER:

As I Lay Tired
By
Dan Burt

FINALISTS:

A Room With A Window
By
'flake

Realistic Expectations
by
mary

HONOR ROLL:

Adequate Homes and Gardens
by Randy

The Three Habits of People Who Haven't Failed Yet
by
Steven

Kind of Interested George
by
Anonymous#1

Harry Potter And The Gaping Void In Your Life
by
Anonymous#2

To Injure A Pigeon
by
wewerethecoolkids


Men are from Mars, and women are from Mars also, but a part of Mars where the culture is slightly different, but it´s not so much of a barrier that they can´t communicate, it´s just difficult sometimes (unabridged version)
by
Chris J


A Half-Hearted Wave To Arms
susan

Not Emma
by
J.M. Tewkesbury

Assistant Manager Of The Rings
and
Near The Road
by
Anonymous#3


Thanks to everyone who played.
New contest coming soon, so come back and try again!

UPDATE: I don't have emails for the two runners-up. Email me at specialtypants@gmail.com to get your books!

Blind Item: Which Awesome Commenter Will Write A Comment That Wins Them Four Awesome Books?

Hi. It's Friday. You're dying to leave work. You resent your boss. You despise your co-workers. What could possibly cheer you up?

Free stuff.

Whether we're winning it in a game show or stealing it from Native Americans, getting stuff for free is a proud U.S. tradition.

But Wendy, is there a catch? Of course there is! You don't just get free stuff. You have to WIN free stuff.

Below is a list I did a while ago on this blog. Add your own book to the list in the comments, and/or email it to me at Specialtypants@gmail.com.

Whichever one makes me laugh the most will win all four (4) books from the TOW Books imprint, which you can read about and order here:

TOW Books: Funny books for people with good senses of humor.

Individually, those books are:

So You Want To Be President

Really, You've Done Enough

Oh, the Humanity!

Everything Is Wrong With You

I have read these books, and I pronounce them funny.

Again, add yours in the comments, and then copy your comment into an email and send it to me at specialtypants@gmail.com so that I can send you an email if you are the winner. If you are shy, you can also JUST email it to me.

I'll also repost the winning entry on Monday so check back.

Okay, here's the list:

BESTSELLING BOOKS FOR PEOPLE WITH LOW EXPECTATIONS

The Okay Bones

The Three Or Four People You Meet In Heaven

Walking With Scissors

Eat, Pray, And Then, I Don't Know, Maybe Make Some Phone Calls?

The DaVinci Code

Things That Don't Belong Together

Readers! Don't be alarmed, but I had to make an emergency trip to the dentist this morning to have my gold tooth (jealous?) filed down so that I could chew with both sides of my mouth. Sexy, right?

Anyway, I went to a new dentist who was sweet and awesome. And she has a TV positioned right by the chair so you can watch a DVD during your appointment. And most of the movies made sense:

Bee Movie
Legally Blonde
Finding Nemo

Lighthearted, amusing fare to make that cleaning or gold-tooth filing more pleasant. But then I noticed that in the pile was also this:

The Life Of David Gale

From the description on rottentomatoes:

Synopsis: Gale (Kevin Spacey) is a Texas professor and anti-death penalty activist who, ironically enough, winds up on death row for the rape and murder of a colleague. Kate Winslet plays Bitsey Bloom, the brave journalist who sets out to tell to his story. In the days leading up to his execution, Gale fills her in on his life via flashbacks, which include political debates, lectures, sex with a student, rape allegations, alcoholism, divorce, and despair.

I mean honestly, if you choose to watch this movie WHILE getting a root canal, here are some other things you might enjoy:

Listening to Who Let The Dogs Out while getting punched in the junk

Going back to middle school while also being in jail while also having terrible poison ivy and also becoming Paris Hilton's unpaid butler-for-life

Killing yourself while commiting suicide

Two And A Half Men

So, don't watch David Gale while getting your gold tooth filed down (pretty!) but do get your gold tooth filed down, becuase seriously, you have not used that side of your mouth in like two years, and it's like somebody took a thorn out of your paw.

I might even become a nice person now that my tooth isn't bothering me.

From now on, this blog is about candy, unicorns, happy rainbows, and unicorns made of happy candy rainbows.

Gene Novotny, Detective From Corporate Headquarters

Gene Novotny, Detective from Corporate Headquarters
In:
The Case Of The Permanently Dead Temp


One thing was clear. The temp was dead. Sometime that morning, between filling up the coffeepot and clearing the voicemail at the Cupertino branch of State Plan Insurance, the temp had been killed.

At first, her co-workers thought she might have had a heart attack or slipped and fallen, but then Helen Poole had helpfully pointed out that she had obviously been stabbed with the very large knife that was still sticking out of her back.

Another day, another case for Gene Novotny, Detective from Corporate Headquarters.

As soon as Gene stepped foot in the Cupertino office, fresh off his flight from Corporate Headquarters in Seattle, he knew that something was wrong. He could feel it in his casual pleated Dockers, he could sense it right down to his discount oxford shoes, purchased at a local Shoe Pavilion. Something was horribly horribly wrong: everyone was standing around, staring at the dead temp instead of making their cold calls.

“We’re not paying you to stand here staring at a body. If you don’t get back to your desks, I’ll write each of you up,” Gene said, “And somebody record the temp’s time of death on her time card. We’re not paying her for a minute more than she was alive.”

Gene set up his interrogation center in the conference room. Across from him sat Jim Garroulian from accounts receivable, nervously sipping coffee from a paper cup.

Gene’s eyes narrowed.

“What are you drinking, Jim?”

“Coffee.”

“In a paper cup?”

Jim gulped, “Y-y-yes.”

“Oh, then I guess you’ll claim never to have read this!?!?” Gene whipped a memo out of his briefcase. It floated to the table like a bird shot out of the sky on one of Gene’s weekend hunting trips with State Plan Insurance Vice-President of Human Resources Cal Kitter.

Jim picked up the memo. It clearly stated that employees were to bring in their own coffee mugs so that the company could avoid wasteful spending on paper cups.

“Yes, I guess I’ve read that,” Jim murmured.

Gene slammed his fist on the table.

“Speak up!”

“Yeah, I’ve read it. What of it?!”

“What of it?” Gene leaped across the table and grabbed Jim where his tie should have been, according to State Plan Insurance dress codes, available for anyone to read in the State Plan Official Corporate Manual available at the reception desk in each of its twenty-three branch offices.

“What of it? Do you think that Corporate sends out those memos just to make you laugh?”

“No,” said Jim, “But my mug broke yesterday when George Hollander threw it at a wall. He was angry because the temp, Cathy, made out with Hal Furman at happy hour at Applebee’s. George said she was the only woman he ever loved, and that he was going to stab her, stab her right in the back!”

Gene paused, and loosened his grip on Jim. He got a faraway look in his eye. Yes, everything was falling into place now. He knew who had killed the temp.

Clearly, Jim Garroulian, not wanting the temp to reveal that he had used a paper cup to drink his coffee that morning, had killed the temp as she was running to her computer to email California area supervisor Linda Dillman to report him.

Yes, yes. That was exactly what had happened.

“Stay right there,” Gene said to Jim, “Sit right there, murderer,” Gene said.

And then he went to phone corporate from a land line, since he knew that he couldn’t be reimbursed for roaming cell charges.

Of Note

So, yesterday was a totally crazy day. Usually, a few dozen people stop by to look at my blog in a day. About half of them mistakenly get here by googling things like "tight butts" or "fake celebrity fuck." Don't ask me why, but those are some very popular Google searches. And then the other half of the readers are my dad.

But yesterday, I was a "blog of note" on the Blogger homepage, and a whole lot of people stopped by and were nice enough to comment.

One comment made me laugh out loud though, just because of the built in irony:

Anonymous said...
Bad... Can You find anything positive to write about.

June 23, 2008 2:28 PM

I can only assume that they will comment on this post by saying:

Fuck, can't you fucking post without swearing? Taintsack!

Anyway, many thanks to whoever edits the Blogger home page for giving me a fun day of traffic yesterday. And I'm gonna go check out all the blogs of the people who were nice enough to read and comment.

When it's just my dad checking my blog again, those memories will keep me warm.

Childhood Games Re-imagined By A Shark

Go Fish

This is a fun game for two delicious children. First, they go for a dip in a vat of butter, then, they roll around in breadcrumbs, as if they were fish preparing to be cooked. Then, they get into a big frying pan made by a clever Shark. Like me. I’m in Mensa.

Chutes and Ladders

Each child is placed at the top of a chute. Then the delicious children slide down the chutes into my mouth.

Tag

I eat a boy named Tag.

An Oldie

I just saw online that they've renewed one of my favorite shows from last year, In Treatment, on HBO. I mean, the show was filled with tragedy and sadness, but it was really HYPNOTIZING.

Anyway, the show is about therapy, and in celebration of In Treatment's renewal here's an oldie my husband Jeff Drake and I wrote for McSweeney's. Please to enjoy!




Dispatches From Couples Therapy

By Wendy Molyneux and Jeff Drake
- - - -

Session One

DR. MANSFIELD: OK, we're going to start with a very simple exercise. Jeff, I want you to fill in the blank. In order to make this relationship better, I could ...

JEFF: Um, listen more?

DR. MANSFIELD: Great. Listening is always good. OK, now, Wendy, I— Wow.

WENDY: Yes?

DR. MANSFIELD: Sorry, it's just that I really like the color of that sweater. It's very nice.

WENDY: Thank you.

JEFF: Yeah, you look great.

DR. MANSFIELD: Nice try, Jeff.



Session Two

DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Jeff. Fill in the blank. The best thing about Wendy is her ...

JEFF: Smile.

DR. MANSFIELD: Try again.

JEFF: Eyes?

DR. MANSFIELD: (makes buzzer sound)

JEFF: Sense of humor.

DR. MANSFIELD: The correct answer is tits.



Session Three

DR. MANSFIELD: So let's try a little fill in the blank, Jeff. When I get ...

JEFF: Are we ever going to do anything but fill in the blanks?

DR. MANSFIELD: I'm sorry, did you graduate magna cum laude from Stanford?

JEFF: No, but I was just asking—

DR. MANSFIELD: Or maybe you have the No. 3 book on the New York Times nonfiction bestseller list?

JEFF: I'm sorry. I spoke out of turn.

DR. MANSFIELD: I'll say you did. Just fill in the blank.

JEFF: OK.

DR. MANSFIELD: When I get a prostitute, it's because Wendy doesn't ...

JEFF: Wait. I've never gotten a prostitute.

DR. MANSFIELD: Please just do the exercise. When I waste money on hookers, it's because Wendy isn't ...

JEFF: This is ridiculous.

DR. MANSFIELD: You're ridiculous.



Session Four

DR. MANSFIELD: OK, today we are going to try some role-playing.

JEFF: Oh, no.

DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Wendy, you are going to be a Wild West saloon girl and I'll be a cowboy. Let's begin.

JEFF: Wait, what am I?

DR. MANSFIELD: You're a monkey.

JEFF: Why am I a monkey?

DR. MANSFIELD: Tsk tsk. Do monkeys talk?

JEFF: Sorry.

DR. MANSFIELD: OK, now, Wendy, come over here and sit on my lap.

JEFF: No way.

DR. MANSFIELD: I'm a lonely cowboy, and I haven't seen a woman in months. How about a kiss, beer wench?

JEFF: OK, cowboys don't say "wench." That's just historically inaccurate.

DR. MANSFIELD: Please pardon my monkey. He keeps yowling. And he's a liar.

WENDY: That's OK. He's cute!

DR. MANSFIELD: No, he's not. He smells. He doesn't make very much money. And, apparently, he doesn't own anything other than cargo pants.

JEFF: That's it. We're leaving.

DR. MANSFIELD: Wait. No! Let's try another one! I'm a priest and Wendy's a choirgirl and Jeff is a stupid fucking idiot.



Session Five

WENDY: So, Mr. Stanley—

DR. STANLEY: Dr. Stanley.

WENDY: Sorry. Anyway, Doctor, we were a little less than satisfied with our last therapist.

JEFF: He broke into our apartment and stole a bunch of Wendy's underwear.

DR. STANLEY: You're angry, Jeff. And that's OK. That's healthy. It's also powerful, manly, and hot.

JEFF: Um, thanks?

DR. STANLEY: Does anyone mind if I take off my pants?

Thanks, Stranger!

My fake lady-help humor book got a nice shout out over here:


Rose In A Book

Check it out, and then why not buy the book? All proceeds will be donated directly to me. Okay, to my publisher. They might give the money to orphans! Or dolphins? Or dolphin-orphans. Who knows!?!?

I Would Like To Complain About My Staycation

Dear Wendy,

When I first heard about taking a “staycation” on The Today Show, I was very excited about the idea. Since I couldn’t afford to go to Europe, the Grand Canyon, or the grocery store this summer, booking a week in my own home for some relaxation sounded like just the ticket. And so it was with a great sense of anticipation that I asked for time off at work and phoned myself to book a week with me in my home. However, though I am not the type of person to normally complain, I found that the accommodations and service on my staycation were so abominable that I simply had to write this letter to me to let me know how much I failed to satisfy me during my stay.

First of all, when I arrived at my residence for my staycation, the place was a total mess. Clearly, I had failed to even make an attempt to clean up before I arrived to stay at my house. There were dishes in the sink, the bed had not been made, and one of the so-called “guest-rooms” was filled with boxes that had never been unpacked since I moved in almost four years ago. Also, why were there Christmas decorations still hanging up? It was almost as if the management had been suffering from years of a low-grade ennui that has caused her to neglect her environment in favor of talking to her cat, drinking whiskey, and shouting at the TV.

When mealtime arrived each day, I found that the management had not even bothered to go grocery shopping, but would instead try to talk me into eating weird food from unidentifiable sources. I can’t be positive, but I think that one morning I had part of a mitten dipped in tomato sauce. It’s a little hazy because the management kept me up until four o’clock the night before, insisting that I drink a bottle and a half of wine, call my ex-boyfriends and ask them, “what the fuck?”

The lack of preparation in terms of cuisine and accommodations might have been more easily overlooked if the management had delivered on some of the “fun leisure activities” I promised me. Instead of spending the days engaged in a variety of workout classes, craft activities, and productive but fun organizational tasks as promised, I found that the only activity actually scheduled was “lolling about in pajamas, mentally cataloguing regrets.”

In short, this staycation met none of my expectations, and if it weren’t for the downturn in the economy coupled with the perky insistence of overpaid newscasters that a staycation is a super awesome fun way for regular people to console themselves about the fact that they can no longer afford to even leave their house for a week, I bet I’d feel pretty ripped off.

Sincerely,
Wendy

My Favorite Things

Okay, so you know how Oprah does that show where she talks about her favorite things? And then she gives them all away for free?

Well, I only have one favorite thing in the world, and you can have it for free, and it is this:

Camel Punch

Timeliness

Astute commenter and sometime superhero Stella Kevlar was good enough to point out the irony (irony?) in my noting the timeliness of writing an E.T.-based piece of comedy (comedy?). Well, my current assignment at work involves watching dozens of Universal movies to put together a -- no joke-- comedy tape featuring a bunch of actual Governors (you know, from the Government), green-screened into various films.

Anyway, one of the movies I watched yesterday was E.T., which I hadn't seen since it was actually in the theaters. Here are some things I discovered:

1. The kids in that movie were actually genuinely talented actors. AT THE TIME. What happened afterwards, well...not my call here.

2. The movie is not about a cute alien like I remembered. It's about a bunch of kids who've been abandoned by their father, and E.T. symbolizes the way you can only repair abandonment by learning to care about someone else. When Eliot asks E.T. to stay at the end, and E.T. asks him to come with him, we actually see Eliot grow up when he realizes that not all partings have to be negative and that loss is a part of life and that he can choose what kind of man to be.

3. The kids' father is never going to come back and take them to baseball games.

4. Everybody is going to basically be okay.

5. Don't get caught crying at your desk at work because you are watching E.T.

On the docket today:

Jaws
Erin Brokovich (see number 5)
Babe (oh boy)
and Kindergarten Cop (kill me)

I also watched The Birds yesterday, which is to me fantastic. People complain that it adds up to nothing. Those people aren't paying attention to the underlying themes of female panic about the gathering threat of loneliness. Both Annie and the mother are terrified of desertion, and as their terror grows, the attacks multiply. When the (single) mother of the young girl in the cafe tells Marlene Daniels that her evil (sexuality) has brought the birds to Bodega Bay, it's genius.

E.T. drunk dials home.

E.T.: Hey, it's me, E.T.

EX-GIRLFRIEND: Who?

E.T.: E.T. Your boyfriend.

EX-GIRLFRIEND: (silence)

E.T.: What are you doing?

EX-GIRLFRIEND: I was sleeping.

E.T.: Is somebody there?

EX-GIRLFRIEND: No. And so what if there was?

E.T.: Is there?

EX-GIRLFRIEND: What do you want?

E.T.: E.T. come over? E.T. have make-up sex? E.T. sorry he threw beer bottle thru girlfriend's car window when girlfriend won't change radio station.

EX-GIRLFRIEND: I hate it when you talk like that. It's not cute.

E.T.: Sorry.

EX-GIRLFRIEND: I'm going back to bed.

E.T.: Why? Is somebody there.

EX-GIRLFRIEND: (Hangs up.)

Uh-oh

I was getting a bagel for breakfast at Noah's in Larchmont when I came across this sign.

I sure hope they make that Hobbit movie soon:

Reading TONIGHT!

Hi there!

If you live in the Los Angeles area, please come out to a great, hilarious night of readings at IO WEST:

Book Fight Club

Featuring authors John Warner, Kate Hahn, and Wendy Molyneux reading from their new books

Hosted by the hilarious Jen Kirkman

At IO West

6366 Hollywood Blvd.

Los Angeles, 90028

Thursday, May 29th, 8 pm

See you there!

Nonsense

For those of you out there who aren't married, and are pretty sure that marriage is a super-romantic lifetime honeymoon, may I offer a counter-point?

Actual conversation between my husband and me regarding our cat:

ME: Wouldn't it be funny if one day you were petting him and you found a zipper and it turned out he was just wearing a cat suit?

Long silence.

JEFF:And what, exactly, would be in there?

Long silence.

ME: Um, I didn't think it through.