Actual Tags

Okay, so I realize most people might not pay attention to the "tags" section on Amazon (that's what prompted my fake tags about myself below). I wouldn't have noticed them either except that I noticed how people had tagged my book on Amazon with the top tags as "anxiety" and "depression" instead of, like, you know, "humor."

I think I'll go on there and tag it with "Nascar" and "ferrets," just to round out the picture.

Popular tags for my life

AX-MURDERER BOOBS
CHUBBY CHASER CAN'T READ douchey EATS TO HIDE SHAME
fixed the world series goonies, what is my favorite movie?
hates kittens because they steal focus from her
ICE DANCING JERK KITTEN-HATER
KETCHUP ENTHUSIAST LUMPY
MONKEY IN A PERSON SUIT not good
Only loves Scott Baio
PANTS, pooped in
PARLIAMENT, also pooped in rolls bums for fun
SAT ON OWN FINGER
twenty-five girls, one cup, seven chickens,
a golf ball and a deep, abiding sadness that you just can't shake
underpants
weaselly yodelling professional
zebras, feasibility of long-term romantic relationship with

New Apple Products

1. iWife 08

With a lighter, slimmer design and available in a variety of colors, the iWife loves you for who you are.

2. The iBaby

More compact than a human baby, this sleek infant comes preprogrammed with up to four thousand words.

3. The iPod Nanny

A perfect companion to your iBaby, the Nanny can supervise your iBaby while you get on with your busy life.

4. Apple Office Assistant

This perky number stores all of your critical information. If you find yourself spending more and more time with your Assistant, don’t blame us! The heart wants what it wants.

5. PowerLawyer

The PowerLawyer software helps you negotiate a settlement with your iWife after she catches you in a compromising position with your Office Assistant.

6. PowerSpiral

After your Assistant leaves you because you are “old enough to be her dad,” the PowerSpiral program can help you choose your addiction and makes sure you run out of money and dignity in a timely fashion.

7. MemoryShuffle

Storing up to six hundred hours of memories, the MemoryShuffle provides access to lifelike recollections of times you spent with your family and friends before they started thinking you were “kind of a dick.”

I get so misrepresented.

Okay, so as usual I am reading the blog I love to hate (and hate to love!), and then she says something so true that I realize I have to eat my words:

"the difference between my voice and someone else's can literally be the placement of a comma."
--julia allison (via juliaallison)

Yep, for instance, I turned in a story to the Wall Street Journal that said:

"I think we can expect to see a worldwide recession following the subprime credit debacle, and this will further expand the income gap in developing countries."

But! The dumbass editor moved my comma and the story wound up reading like this:

"I hate black people."

Clearly, that is not my voice, that is the voice of Sally Field.

Please support the arts.

Okay, so I have been so busy trying to cajole everyone into buying my book that I have forgotten to take the time to think about other struggling first-time authors who might need to have access to the dozen-odd people logging on here.

So please, people, check this guy out.

Barnes and Noble is featuring him on their splash page and sending out tons of emails to support his book, and I think it's so awesome that they are getting his name out there.

He's got potential:

Making it work.

Last night my husband and I celebrated out two year anniversary. How do we make it work? I think the following I.M. chat which we had while we were just twenty feet away from each other will show you how we keep it ROMANTIC.

HUSBAND: did you see that your boyfriend Viggo Mortensen is cast as the dad in The Road?
WENDY: YES
i mean i didn't see that
but yay
WENDY: i was afraid they were going to use
president of america tom hanks
and that the son would be played by Wilson the volleyball
JEFF: they couldn't get Wilson
and that was a dealbreaker for Tom Hanks
WENDY: really?
oh right, he's doing the Devil wears Prada sequel
he's playing Anne Hathaway
JEFF: and he's busy doing Lord of the Balls for Peter Jackson
WENDY: yep
that's a porno
BECAUSE IT HAS BALLS IN IT

I need your help.

Okay, I just got an email offering me "Asphyxiant ViagR ora, 33 for $1."

Should I buy it?

Please advise.

Fifty things about me.

Look, a lot of women have blogs where they talk about their personal lives and their dating lives and reveal just, you know, a lot of personal information. And, you know, I need to be more like that. So, without further ado, here are fifty totally revealing and personal things about me.

1. I have six boobs.
2. I am married to a combination of Morgan Freeman and a talking teapot (long story!).
3. I like to make noises.
4. Sailboats are pretty!
5. I am in ur parliament, making ur lawz.
6. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.
7. I am Zooey Deschanel.
8. I played the space shuttle in Space Camp.
9. I have a cat where my head should be.
10. The calls are coming from inside the house!
11. I can't count.

Flight Recorder Transcripts From The First Celebrity Space Flights

HILLARY, BILL, AND CHELSEA CLINTON

Bill: Chelsea, could you tell your mother that I’d like to have the window seat on the way back to Earth?

Hillary: Tell your father that he can’t always get what he wants.

Bill: Tell your mother that if she doesn’t shut her trap we’re gonna leave her in space.

Hillary: Tell your father that I’d leave him in space, but there aren’t any whores out here.

Bill: There are now.

(Long Pause)

Bill: Chelsea, you look nice in that spacesuit.

Chelsea: Please stop hitting on me.


BILL O’REILLY

Bill: Hi there. Guess where I’m calling from? I’m in space. Have you ever had sex in space? It’s awesome because there’s no gravity. I wish you were here right now. I’d take off your bra and your boobs would just float right off your body. I’m kidding. But they wouldn’t sag or anything. Well, first, first, we’d order up some space-service and I’d give you some of that space whiskey they have out here. That’s what aliens drink. You ever do it with an alien? They’ve only got three fingers and one eye. You know, astronauts do it all the time. They get bored up here. You ever spank a cardboard cutout of Meg Ryan? Never mind. Where was I? Right. After I give you some space whiskey, I’d take off your spacesuit, and we’d get in the space shower. Yeah, and then I’d take that thing, the -- what do you call it -- the pita bread, and kind of scrub you because you’re really dirty. Space dirt all over you. You ever do it with a mound of dirt? Dirt is really sexy. It’s so dirty. So it’s sexy. You know what I’m saying? Anyway we’re in the space shower and you’re kind of drunk from space whiskey, and I’ve got that -- whaddaya call it -- hummus and I’m rubbing your back with it and – then all of a sudden we get attacked by alien invaders. And, guess what? Then you blow me.

PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE

Paris: Do you ever look into space and think about how infinite it is, and think about how even though we are what is referred to as “stars”, we’re essentially meaningless when considered against the vast expanse of even a single real star, existing in the fabric of a universe we hardly understand?

Nicole: No.

Paris: Me neither.

The must read book of the year...

...is the Tom Cruise biography.

But my book is now actually available!

There's the link, right there to the right.

C'mon, you know you wanna!

Buy fifteen. One for you, and one for each of your boyfriends!

Recommended

Here are some things we are recommending this week:

1. Eating food.

You need to do this to live. If you have been like, "why am I dying," maybe you have not been eating food. Try some. There are many different kinds of food, including:

a.) bananas
b.) coffee
c.) tarts and cakes

Try any or all of these.

2. Breathing.

Here is something else you need to do to live. Remember to breathe both in and out.

3. Cloverfield

It was pretty good!

Oh no, you're gay!

I have another little blog venture with a friend of mine who appears on an oh-so-conservative network, and I wonder if a few of that show's fans are paying me a little visit.

I'm pleased to see that in this day and age we can mix and mingle, but...

Warning: reading my site will make you love gay marriage and socialized medicine.

Be careful!

Lauren Conrad Visits Iraq!

I have a new post on McSweeney's today:


Link: HERE

I opened a new rehab facility!

Answers Rehab Facility...

When You’re Ready To Pretend You’re Ready To Get Better


If you’re visiting our website it means that you or someone you know has a serious problem with drugs or alcohol that you aren’t ready to deal with. Here at Answers, our staff is ready to help you pretend to get better one day at a time. Here at Answers, we are devoted to helping you appear that you are getting better even though you have no intention of stopping. If you’re ready to lie to yourself, we’re ready to help.

Our Facilities

We know that as a wealthy, drug addicted celebrity or executive, you are used to unparalleled luxury. Our well-appointed rooms feature fireplaces, 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, and claw-foot tubs filled with Night Train. After you pretend to have feelings in one of our individual therapy sessions, relax with a game of tennis, a stroll on the beach, or a few hours in our Cocaine Spa. Feel sorry for yourself in our heated morphine tub, blame it on the paparazzi while sampling a variety of fresh baked marijuana brownies, or punch a poor person in the face to make yourself feel better in our experimental therapeutic poor-person-punching-pen.

Every day at sunset, you can ride one of our gorgeous thoroughbred white horses up to white lightning pass – if you know what we mean.

We mean we give out free heroin.

Resources

Statistically, most people have trouble not getting better alone. Denial is a work in progress, and you need to be surrounded by people who really want you to not get better. That’s why we provide you with round-the-clock access to the husbands, wives, parents, assistants and managers who helped you not get better in the first place. In our special Answers Enabler Cottages, the people who are pretending to love you so that they can have access to your wealth and fame will be housed at your expense while you are not recovering.

We understand that in order to make the public believe that you are taking your recovery seriously, we need to have counselors and therapists in our employ. We have hired many of the most unqualified substance abuse counselors in the world. They’ll be there to hold your hand during thirty of the easiest days of your life. They agree with you that you don’t need to take responsibility for your actions and that you’re just misunderstood.

They also deal crack.

Alumni Program

When you are ready to leave Answers Rehab Facility, you’ll still have your whole life ahead of you. Coming here was the first step in not getting sober, and you’ll still have a long way to go when you leave. Whether you get popped for your third DUI while driving topless down a runway at LAX on a big wheel you stole from Violet Affleck’s third birthday party, or you’ve shown your balls to Reese Witherspoon on the red carpet after taking PCP, Answers will be there.

You can come back and pretend to get better over and over again for as long as it takes until you die way too young.

Because Answers doesn’t care about you just as much as you don’t care about yourself.

And we always won’t.

I'm a douche!

Hi, here's some douchey self promotion. I got interviewed by Jon Niccum about the book by the Lawrence Journal World.

I wish I was kidding about that toe.


Link: HERE