Flight Recorder Transcripts From The First Celebrity Space Flights

HILLARY, BILL, AND CHELSEA CLINTON

Bill: Chelsea, could you tell your mother that I’d like to have the window seat on the way back to Earth?

Hillary: Tell your father that he can’t always get what he wants.

Bill: Tell your mother that if she doesn’t shut her trap we’re gonna leave her in space.

Hillary: Tell your father that I’d leave him in space, but there aren’t any whores out here.

Bill: There are now.

(Long Pause)

Bill: Chelsea, you look nice in that spacesuit.

Chelsea: Please stop hitting on me.


BILL O’REILLY

Bill: Hi there. Guess where I’m calling from? I’m in space. Have you ever had sex in space? It’s awesome because there’s no gravity. I wish you were here right now. I’d take off your bra and your boobs would just float right off your body. I’m kidding. But they wouldn’t sag or anything. Well, first, first, we’d order up some space-service and I’d give you some of that space whiskey they have out here. That’s what aliens drink. You ever do it with an alien? They’ve only got three fingers and one eye. You know, astronauts do it all the time. They get bored up here. You ever spank a cardboard cutout of Meg Ryan? Never mind. Where was I? Right. After I give you some space whiskey, I’d take off your spacesuit, and we’d get in the space shower. Yeah, and then I’d take that thing, the -- what do you call it -- the pita bread, and kind of scrub you because you’re really dirty. Space dirt all over you. You ever do it with a mound of dirt? Dirt is really sexy. It’s so dirty. So it’s sexy. You know what I’m saying? Anyway we’re in the space shower and you’re kind of drunk from space whiskey, and I’ve got that -- whaddaya call it -- hummus and I’m rubbing your back with it and – then all of a sudden we get attacked by alien invaders. And, guess what? Then you blow me.

PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE

Paris: Do you ever look into space and think about how infinite it is, and think about how even though we are what is referred to as “stars”, we’re essentially meaningless when considered against the vast expanse of even a single real star, existing in the fabric of a universe we hardly understand?

Nicole: No.

Paris: Me neither.