I opened a new rehab facility!

Answers Rehab Facility...

When You’re Ready To Pretend You’re Ready To Get Better


If you’re visiting our website it means that you or someone you know has a serious problem with drugs or alcohol that you aren’t ready to deal with. Here at Answers, our staff is ready to help you pretend to get better one day at a time. Here at Answers, we are devoted to helping you appear that you are getting better even though you have no intention of stopping. If you’re ready to lie to yourself, we’re ready to help.

Our Facilities

We know that as a wealthy, drug addicted celebrity or executive, you are used to unparalleled luxury. Our well-appointed rooms feature fireplaces, 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, and claw-foot tubs filled with Night Train. After you pretend to have feelings in one of our individual therapy sessions, relax with a game of tennis, a stroll on the beach, or a few hours in our Cocaine Spa. Feel sorry for yourself in our heated morphine tub, blame it on the paparazzi while sampling a variety of fresh baked marijuana brownies, or punch a poor person in the face to make yourself feel better in our experimental therapeutic poor-person-punching-pen.

Every day at sunset, you can ride one of our gorgeous thoroughbred white horses up to white lightning pass – if you know what we mean.

We mean we give out free heroin.

Resources

Statistically, most people have trouble not getting better alone. Denial is a work in progress, and you need to be surrounded by people who really want you to not get better. That’s why we provide you with round-the-clock access to the husbands, wives, parents, assistants and managers who helped you not get better in the first place. In our special Answers Enabler Cottages, the people who are pretending to love you so that they can have access to your wealth and fame will be housed at your expense while you are not recovering.

We understand that in order to make the public believe that you are taking your recovery seriously, we need to have counselors and therapists in our employ. We have hired many of the most unqualified substance abuse counselors in the world. They’ll be there to hold your hand during thirty of the easiest days of your life. They agree with you that you don’t need to take responsibility for your actions and that you’re just misunderstood.

They also deal crack.

Alumni Program

When you are ready to leave Answers Rehab Facility, you’ll still have your whole life ahead of you. Coming here was the first step in not getting sober, and you’ll still have a long way to go when you leave. Whether you get popped for your third DUI while driving topless down a runway at LAX on a big wheel you stole from Violet Affleck’s third birthday party, or you’ve shown your balls to Reese Witherspoon on the red carpet after taking PCP, Answers will be there.

You can come back and pretend to get better over and over again for as long as it takes until you die way too young.

Because Answers doesn’t care about you just as much as you don’t care about yourself.

And we always won’t.