No. Just no.

You know what "works with harems?" Suicide.

Also, the phrase "shop all harems" makes me think that I might be able to find a new child bride. I am SO tired of my old child bride. BORING.

But really, this is the endtimes, right? It's plague, pestilence, war and harem pants, right? Those are the four horsemen? Mother? Father? Please hold me. So cold.

Stolen post.

So, I'm stealing this outright from my friend Arija. It's a fun game.

You put these three elements together to make a new Emo band's first album.

To Do This (from a Facebook game)
1 - Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to “Random quotations”
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together (I used picnik.com)

Here's mine:



I like how the album title seems accusatory, like both the duck and his reflection might be wrong.

And here's another one. I am now addicted to this.





Here is Arija's.


That's all! Post links to yours if you make one.

My Failed Top Chef Dishes

Corn on the Cop

Hot Balls

Lube Burgers on Plates

Compromised Fish

Cup of Soda, Finished with Creme Fraiche and Remoulade, Served in a Trash Can by Someone You Hated in High School

Whole Onion, Lightly Baked, then Thrown Away

Your Mama

Nachos Bell Grande en Croute

Forks

Your Own Leg, Gently Removed and then Re-Presented to You, Pommes Frites

Bad Stripper Names

Sad Potato Jones

Mrs. Allen Haverstein

Margarine

Sean "Puffy" Combs

Spooky Vagina

Justice William Rehnquist

Phantom of the Opera

Pam

End Of The Year Lists

Top Four Things To Wear In 2009

Pants
A Bra
Some Sort Of Shirt
Shoes

New Today

My friend Mike and I have a new thing on McSweeney's today.

Link: HERE

Also new thing here (scroll down):

Hipster Book Club

I'm Going To Be A Great Mother Someday

In order to be a good parent, you need to be firm but consistent. And I think this interaction I had with my cats today shows that I've got the stuff.

A CHRISTMAS PAGEANT:

Petunia pounces on Christmas tree, knocks off ornament, starts to play with ornament.

ME: Hey! Hey! You are cruising for a bruising. And by bruising, I mean light verbal reprimand.

I retrieve ornament, go back to eating lunch.

Petunia knocks another ornament off the tree.

I sigh,  continue eating lunch.

Sleep with one horn open.

Oh no. 

Somebody found my site using this search:

Referring URL http://www.google.co...ogle Search&aq=f&oq=
Search Engine:  google.com
Search Words:  unicorns stab

If you see sparkly, childrens'-wish-filled, hot-pink blood running in the streets, alert the authorities immediately.

Do Not Go To There

So, I was shopping at Bristol Farms, which is a very fancy grocery store.

So fancy in fact that some of their products feature pictures of elegant gentleman in tuxedos on the packaging.

But do not be fooled!

You should definitely not eat the product offered in this box.

I have great news for Beyonce.

Okay, so I haven't been blogging lately for a couple of reasons. One is that I have a bunch of actual writing projects that people expect me to finish, you know, because they paid me and stuff. So, there's that.

But mainly, like the rest of the nation, I've been spending all my time listening to and thinking about Beyonce's insanely catchy new song Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).

And having now listened to it three or four (thousand) times, I am excited to say that I can help Beyonce out with her quest to find the perfect guy as described in the lyrics:

Don’t treat me like things of this world
I’m not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
He’s a man that makes me and takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond

Um, look no further Beyonce, for I have found him:

Prop 8

Seriously?

Honestly, and I hope this won't come across as too harsh, but people who voted yes on Prop 8 should go fuck themselves forever.

And then they should all hold hands and walk into the ocean.

And the ocean should be made out of fire, mosquitoes and more fire.

Or, you know, whatever.

We're Going To Get The Government We Deserve

So, I just turned on the tube to start watching election coverage, and here's what I've seen so far. I'm not kidding.

• A newscaster interviewing the Naked Cowboy about who he voted for (McCain Palin)
• Clips from election skits on SNL
• Ice skaters skating on an electoral map.

If this continues all day, here's what else we'll see:

• Genetically altered red white and blue kittens rolling around on an American flag quilt made by the cast of CSI Miami
• David Duchovny rating the hotness of each candidate (special graphic created by MSNBC news team)
• Who Are Babies Voting For? A Fox news special.
• Al Roker cooks an election feast with a dancing bear
• Alyssa Milano performs selected scenes from the movies Primary Colors and All The President's Men at Corcoran Prison
• Los Angeles woman dies of eye-poisoning after watching 12 hours of election coverage, Boyz II Men to dedicate album of patriotic songs to her memory to be released when polls close.

Sorry, I went grocery shopping.

Well, somehow it's been thirteen days since I posted here, but when you hear the story of where I've been I think you'll understand why. The short story is that I went grocery shopping.

The long story is: I always let my sister Lizzie make my grocery lists, and I'm not allowed to come back until I've gotten everything. Here is the list she made me:

Lizzie's Grocery List For Wendy

1. One suit from the Big And Tall Store
2. Poop tire
3. Scallions
4. Scallywags
5. Moby (the guy)
6. Pet Rock
7. Pig's feet
8. a pale yellow sock
9. your mom
10. my mom
11. That other guy's mom, you know that guy whose name I always forget. I wanna say "Steve?" Does that sound right?
12. Silk worms
13. The Dark Crystal
14. Ribbons
15. sneakers (shhhhh!)
16. a dragon
17. barack obama
18. teenage ninja turtles (mutant or regular)
19. sammiches
20. fancy hats
21. stink
22. one red rose


So you can see why it took a little while. It's hard to find scallions.

How I'm Surviving The Economic Downturn

Not eating one-hundred-dollar bills anymore unless very hungry.

Only flying around on diamond and emerald plane when ruby and opal plane is in shop.

Conserving energy by slapping butler less often.

Using orphans as coasters (not really money-saving, but adorable).

Charging ten dollars for BJs instead of seven.

Tossing lower-value gold coins into fountains while making wishes.

Feeding cats Kobe-style beef instead of the real thing.

Pawning my solid gold pants.

Learn about My Exciting Morning!

Alison and I have finally revived our blog:

alison and wendy