I'm Going To Be A Great Mother Someday

In order to be a good parent, you need to be firm but consistent. And I think this interaction I had with my cats today shows that I've got the stuff.

A CHRISTMAS PAGEANT:

Petunia pounces on Christmas tree, knocks off ornament, starts to play with ornament.

ME: Hey! Hey! You are cruising for a bruising. And by bruising, I mean light verbal reprimand.

I retrieve ornament, go back to eating lunch.

Petunia knocks another ornament off the tree.

I sigh,  continue eating lunch.

Sleep with one horn open.

Oh no. 

Somebody found my site using this search:

Referring URL http://www.google.co...ogle Search&aq=f&oq=
Search Engine:  google.com
Search Words:  unicorns stab

If you see sparkly, childrens'-wish-filled, hot-pink blood running in the streets, alert the authorities immediately.

Do Not Go To There

So, I was shopping at Bristol Farms, which is a very fancy grocery store.

So fancy in fact that some of their products feature pictures of elegant gentleman in tuxedos on the packaging.

But do not be fooled!

You should definitely not eat the product offered in this box.

I have great news for Beyonce.

Okay, so I haven't been blogging lately for a couple of reasons. One is that I have a bunch of actual writing projects that people expect me to finish, you know, because they paid me and stuff. So, there's that.

But mainly, like the rest of the nation, I've been spending all my time listening to and thinking about Beyonce's insanely catchy new song Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).

And having now listened to it three or four (thousand) times, I am excited to say that I can help Beyonce out with her quest to find the perfect guy as described in the lyrics:

Don’t treat me like things of this world
I’m not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
He’s a man that makes me and takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond

Um, look no further Beyonce, for I have found him:

Prop 8

Seriously?

Honestly, and I hope this won't come across as too harsh, but people who voted yes on Prop 8 should go fuck themselves forever.

And then they should all hold hands and walk into the ocean.

And the ocean should be made out of fire, mosquitoes and more fire.

Or, you know, whatever.

We're Going To Get The Government We Deserve

So, I just turned on the tube to start watching election coverage, and here's what I've seen so far. I'm not kidding.

• A newscaster interviewing the Naked Cowboy about who he voted for (McCain Palin)
• Clips from election skits on SNL
• Ice skaters skating on an electoral map.

If this continues all day, here's what else we'll see:

• Genetically altered red white and blue kittens rolling around on an American flag quilt made by the cast of CSI Miami
• David Duchovny rating the hotness of each candidate (special graphic created by MSNBC news team)
• Who Are Babies Voting For? A Fox news special.
• Al Roker cooks an election feast with a dancing bear
• Alyssa Milano performs selected scenes from the movies Primary Colors and All The President's Men at Corcoran Prison
• Los Angeles woman dies of eye-poisoning after watching 12 hours of election coverage, Boyz II Men to dedicate album of patriotic songs to her memory to be released when polls close.

Sorry, I went grocery shopping.

Well, somehow it's been thirteen days since I posted here, but when you hear the story of where I've been I think you'll understand why. The short story is that I went grocery shopping.

The long story is: I always let my sister Lizzie make my grocery lists, and I'm not allowed to come back until I've gotten everything. Here is the list she made me:

Lizzie's Grocery List For Wendy

1. One suit from the Big And Tall Store
2. Poop tire
3. Scallions
4. Scallywags
5. Moby (the guy)
6. Pet Rock
7. Pig's feet
8. a pale yellow sock
9. your mom
10. my mom
11. That other guy's mom, you know that guy whose name I always forget. I wanna say "Steve?" Does that sound right?
12. Silk worms
13. The Dark Crystal
14. Ribbons
15. sneakers (shhhhh!)
16. a dragon
17. barack obama
18. teenage ninja turtles (mutant or regular)
19. sammiches
20. fancy hats
21. stink
22. one red rose


So you can see why it took a little while. It's hard to find scallions.

How I'm Surviving The Economic Downturn

Not eating one-hundred-dollar bills anymore unless very hungry.

Only flying around on diamond and emerald plane when ruby and opal plane is in shop.

Conserving energy by slapping butler less often.

Using orphans as coasters (not really money-saving, but adorable).

Charging ten dollars for BJs instead of seven.

Tossing lower-value gold coins into fountains while making wishes.

Feeding cats Kobe-style beef instead of the real thing.

Pawning my solid gold pants.

Learn about My Exciting Morning!

Alison and I have finally revived our blog:

alison and wendy

Other Foreign Policy Experience Cited On Sarah Palin's Resume

While at friend's house, enjoyed a cup of General Foods International Coffee

Got French manicure for Senior Prom

Huge fan of Eva Longoria

Almost drove into Canada once while lost

Watched Fawlty Towers on PBS -- didn't "get it"

Stretched round globe-thingy into proper flat shape, accidentally caught a glimpse of Africa

I'm About To Go Global, My Bitches

Um, as you may remember I revealed here a few weeks ago that I am probably the mother of Baby Trig.

So guess what location shows up in my sitemeter today:

Domain Name		mtaonline.net ? (Network)
IP Address		REDACTED
ISP		MTA Solutions
Location		Continent : North America Country : United States (Facts) State : Alaska City : Wasilla Lat/Long : REDACTED

I am probably gonna go missing any second now once Sarah Palin's security team tracks me down.

It's been fun!

Please make jokes about vaginas in my memory.

Hi.

I don't know what's sadder: how long I've neglected my blog (no one is sad about this) or the fact that I'm coming back now just to tell you that my local news is actually doing a story about whether teens are wearing their jeans too low.

Forget about the election and the mortgage bailout people, black teenagers are wearing their pants too low.

Oh don't worry; now they are doing a story on how the Rialto football team's field is infested with ants.

They just literally said: "They're tackling the problem head on."

I'm moving to space.

Breaking News

Listen you guys, I don't want to feed into this whole Sarah Palin rumor mill, but I have just had a rather queasy realization.

In the past year, I have frequently shunned social engagements, claiming I was burnt out from work, stressed or just uninterested.

I turned down a job even though I was unemployed at the time, claiming the job sounded "like a nightmare."

I have started wearing looser clothing, claiming that "I feel too old to wear anything short and/or tight."

There are times in the last eighteen months, usually after going out with friends, when I can't account for my actions or whereabouts.

And finally, most tellingly, while Sarah Palin remains slim, I am a big ol' chubby chub-monster.

I am sure you can see where I am going with this. Clearly...

I AM THE MOTHER OF BABY TRIG.




PICTURED: MY BABY

Forgotten Fashion

My friend Kate Hahn has a very funny new book out today.

Investigate it here:

Forgotten Fashion

Off To The Races

Well, this post will just be some random thoughts on things because I spent yesterday with children and so I am tired. If you have kids you probably know this. I just rent some kids now and then, and they tucker you out. They like to run around and also if you take your eye off of them for one second, they will somehow find, like, a chainsaw or something and do something horribly dangerous.

I will say that my six year-old nephew has developed a surprisingly sophisticated sense of humor in the last few weeks. We were getting ready to put stuff on the barbecue for dinner and I asked him if he would mind getting into a big tupperware full of oil and spices so we could marinate him before we cooked him. He paused for a beat, and then said, completely deadpan, almost world-weary:

"Of course I will."

Then after we put the kids to bed, the adults played a maddeningly addictive board game called Carcassone. Have you played it? It's nerd-crack. Stay away.

Later this week we are headed out to Kansas City, then on to New York. Don't try to rob me. A serial killer is house-sitting for us.

I might even try to write some travelogue-y type stuff while we are on the road, or it might just be penis jokes again. Who knows! Let's spin the wheel!

One thing I know right now is that I am not too excited about flying on a plane. To me, planes are like the 1800s. I like to read about them and hear about them and watch movies about when there are snakes on them (I loved that movie Snakes on the 1800s), but I don't really want to actually take part in the flying of them. Worst metaphor ever.

See, this is why I just make penis jokes. Like why did the penis cross the road? Get it?

Anyway, I promised rambling, and I delivered. Now I have to go be in the 1800s.