I Wrote A Book

Hi. I am pretty sure that just my dad is reading this blog, and I think he already bought my book. Hi dad. Thanks for college and all the food and stuff.

But if you aren't my dad and you enjoy the reading of fake self-help books, please click here to obtain a copy:

Everything Is Wrong With You: The Modern Woman's Guide To Finding Self-Confidence Through Self-Loathing

Thank you, and I promise to use all proceeds from my book to buy cute outfits for Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.

Spoiler Alert For The New Season Of The Bachelor!

1. The new bachelor will have his identical twin take his place to find out which of the girls really wants to be with him.

2. The bachelor will propose at the end of the season.

3. Everybody dies.

Sometimes, The Racist Unicorn Jokes Write Themselves

So, a couple of years ago, I worked on a short film called Teenage Baby with my husbnd and my pal Kate. We made a production website called UnicornBaby.com

On it, Kate wrote that because all unicorns are white, they are racist. Then today, I received this email:


From: Bruce Goldwell
dragonkeepers@gmail.com

What is this about???


Unicorns have horns. (thus their being a UNIcorn)
Unicorns are usually white. (usually white! so sometimes they are pink, blue, orange, black, or whatever.. not into cartoons are you???)

I've never seen a unicorn that wasn't white. (they are Usually white, but you have not seen a non-white unicorn)

IF something is Usually white, that would mean that it is not always white... which means there are non-white unicorns...

Unicorns are racist. (unicorns are fictitious, they can't have a bias such as Racist.. your charge that they do makes you a racist!)

It's a fact. (only in your own mind)

Does that mean that A BLACK PANTHER is racist too cause there a no white black panthers?

Polar bears are white... are they racist too?

the only ones that are racist are those that see people as black or white...

I remember someone by the name of Martin L. King who said he looks forward to the day

when people are judged by the character and not by the color of their skin....

and here you are taking a fantasy creature and turning it into a political icon for your own

agenda.... get off your band wagon and get real....

what you are really saying is the people who draw unicorns as being white are racist... like

an artist has the color of people in mind when they draw a fantasy creature....

the smurfs are blue.. does that make them racist??

Racism carries connotations of race-based bigotry, prejudice, violence, oppression, stereotyping or discrimination, the term has varying and often hotly contested definitions. Racialism is a related term intended to avoid these negative meanings. According to the Oxford English Dictionary , racism is a belief or ideology that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another race or races. The Merriam-Webster's Webster's Dictionary dictionary defines racism as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race, and that it is also the prejudice based on such a belief.[1] The Macquarie Dictionary defines racism thus: the belief that human races have distinctive characteristics which determine their respective cultures, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule or dominate others.

I have never known of a story with a UNICORN that ever depicted that the UNICORN was a superior creature to any human black, white or purple...

Seems to me that people like you love throwing the word RACISM out at every opportunity you can just to create more RACISM!

GET REAL!

I don't care if you are white, black, purple, pink, blue or whatever.. your statement is a blatant attack on something that

is completely outside the realm of your political agenda. You are obviously a racist, that is a fact!!


Just my thought....


BTW.. I checked out your ABOUT US PAGE... is there a reason the three of you are all white....???





Oh Bruce, I think I love you. And tomorrow, I will answer all of your questions right here on my blog! Stay sexy, Bruce.

What Sally Field Said When She Was Censored At The Emmys Last Night

Edited comments:

"Hey, I like balls and vaginas. Do you guys? And you know what I hate? Jews. I am gonna say it once, and you best believe, Sally Field hates her some fucking Jews! Dildo! Dildo! I am gonna get some anal sex tonight! Jesus is a faggot!"

Normal broadcast resumes.

Oh Shit

I don't want to freak anyone out, but I just got an email that my Amazom account has been violated. Shit, not my Amazom account. Where will I order my boocs and dvdss from? Fubk.

Guilty Pleasures

Calling People Douches: Sure, I’m overusing it, but maybe that’s because there are so many fucking douchebags out there.

Fat Guys: They’re funnier, they’re nicer, and they have big fat bellies. What’s not to like?

Guilt: Have you tried it? It’s the ultimate way to reward yourself for anything you have or haven’t done. Sure, you could finish your work, call your grandma, or not eat that king-sized Snickers while watching Rush Hour 3 and masturbating, but why? Just indulge yourself with a little bit of guilt afterwards and you’ll feel so much better.

Looking At Other People’s Babies: They’re so cute, and you don’t have to be responsible for them. Enjoy!

Talking Back To The TV In The Morning: I defy you to watch The View or The Today Show without talking back to the TV.

Diamonds: They’re shiny and they’re worth a shit-load of money. You should get some right away. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a total douche.

A Few Things That Happened At Islands Today

So, this has nothing to do with anything, but I went to Islands today with my Mom, my sister and her six week old baby.

The minute we sat down the waitress was like, do you guys want a basket of fries, or some exotic drinks?

Um, yeah, it's noon on Saturday at a mall in Ontario, California, we have a six week old baby with us, so yes, yes please bring us those exotic drinks. How did you know? Are you some kind of psychic? We came to Islands at the mall to get shit-faced and then drag-race around the parking lot with the baby. Well played, Islands restaurant.

And then, after lunch, I was holding the baby and he pooped all over me.

I was like, yeah, that seems about right.

Daily Affirmations For People Who Do Too Much Drugs

September 4th

Remember that you are awesome. The most awesome. Especially when you are on cocaine.

October 29th

You are a special person. Your insights are special. Especially your insights about Pink Floyd. Wow.

December 6th

Spend some time with yourself. Alone. Don't let anyone in. Don't answer the phone. It's probably the government. They're in your brain. Maybe you should rearrange the furniture again. That'll fool 'em.

November 14th

Wait, I thought it was December? Is someone trying to fuck with me?

January 2nd

You have so many talents. At least you used to. Remember?

February 18th

Listen to the wind. Feel the rain. You are part of nature. Because you are homeless now.

Things You Should Also Be Against If You Are Against Gay Marriage

Non-segregated bathrooms
Women voting
Logic
Common sense
History

Should I Home School My Child?

With each passing year, the world seems to become more violent, less humane, and more polluted. Just keeping your kid safe can be an all-consuming concern. It can almost make you want to lock your kid up in a cage. Don’t! Trust me when I tell you that it’s illegal, and that your kid will want to rebel, and by rebel I mean kill you in your sleep.

But there is something that you can do to keep your kid almost as safe as if he lived in a cage. Yes, I’m talking about home-schooling!

While most kids are packed of to kindergartens filled with hypodermic needles, gang members, restless hookers and weird, tiny milk cartons, you can legally keep your kids at home and teach them from the many home-schooling texts available.

Of course, it’s hard to know if home schooling is right for your kids. Fill out the short questionnaire below to see which type of schooling best fits your child’s needs:

Home Schooling Questionnaire:

I believe...

1.That my child would do well in a large-group setting __
2.That my child would do well in a one-on-one setting __
3. That human being evolved from apes __
4. That humans were gently lowered to earth on a pulley system built by the baby Jesus! __
5. That exposure to outside ideas, opinions, beliefs, and cultures will make my child more well-rounded __
6. That Mrs. Hawkins, the first grade teacher at Washington Elementary, is possessed by the devil __
7. That while not perfect, Public Schools do their best to give each child special attention __
8. That satan lives in the chalk, and also in the swingset and the curly slide , and yay he layeth in the the spelling books, and hunches in the Capri Suns of our youth. Lo, he does lurk in the paste and in the tiny, non-sharp scissors. He speaketh through the mouths of the choir teacher, and sings in the recitals. He causeth the children to readeth of the Pokey Little Puppy, and also of the Cat who lives in the Hat. He is not content to play at recess only, but also must be packed into the lunchables and stirred into the pudding cups. And he shall make himself known in the evil that these children do, not only in the pulling of the hair, but also in the lisping, and the peeing of the pants. And to safe keep your children, you must keep them at the home, so that they will be sheltered from the terror of the elementary school, and of the serpents within __

If you checked mostly odd numbers, your children will be just fine in a Public School.

If you checked mostly even numbers, you are now the new Educational Czar of the Bush Administration.

Karl Rove Does Some Push-Polling At His New Job

INT. HOME DEPOT CHECK-OUT-- DAY

KARL: So, you're gonna buy this grill, huh?

CUSTOMER: Yep.

KARL: Would you want to buy this one if you knew you could get it cheaper somewhere else?

CUSTOMER: Well, I priced this grill all over town and I'm sure this is the cheapest I'm gonna get it.

KARL: Would you still want to buy this grill if you knew that this grill had a safety flaw that had resulted in several people being burned?

CUSTOMER: Does it have that flaw?

KARL: Would you buy it if it did?

CUTOMER: No, but--

KARL: What if it didn't just burn people, what if it decapitated them?

CUSTOMER: Oh my God, how?

KARL: Would you buy it then?

CUSTOMER: Did they put their heads in the grill?

KARL: What if this grill fathered an illegitimate black baby?

CUSTOMER: What?

KARL: And it's gay. This is a gay grill.

CUSTOMER: Could I talk to your manager?

KARL: A gay, muslim, serial rapist grill. What, do you want to get raped? Huh, is that what you want?

CUSTOMER. Look, I am buying this grill. Just ring me up for it, and the charcoal, and let me go.

KARL: Fine.

CUSTOMER: Fine.

KARL: You know, this charcoal may or may not have been romantically involved with Mohammed Atta.

Spoilers For Upcoming Episodes Of Entourage

Vincent Chase almost doesn't get the part in a big Spielberg movie. But then he does.

Ari Gold almost loses a client because his kid gets in a fight with his client's kid at school. But then he doesn't lose the client.

Johnny Drama almost loses a part because he smells weird. But then he gets to keep the part and gets a free car.

Eric almost doesn't sleep with a hot girl, but then he does, and the girl turns out to be a free car.

Turtle almost gets arrested for selling weed to Sharon Stone, but then she blows him instead, and gives him a free car and the free car turns out to be Jessica Alba, who also blows him and gives him a free car.

Vincent Chase almost dies, but instead of dying, he wins an Oscar and gets elected President of the World.

Things You Can Say About The Weather That Aren't Boring

The Weather beat the shit out of me in the Octagon.

The Weather made a sex tape with his own sister.

The Weather knows what really happened on 9-11, and he'll tell you...for a price...the price of your life...which he will take from you...get it? Ok, I'll explain it again. In exchange for you dying, you can get the whole story of what happened on 9-11.

The Weather just sold me one thousand hits of LSD.

It's not the heat, it's The Weather's twelve inch uncircumcised penis.

TOMKAT NUDE

If you aren't excited about this little item from Best Week Ever, then you aren't alive from the waist down:

According to Sawf News via Dlisted:

“They have already started planning some of the photos. One suggestion they were keen on was a shot of them posing together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam.”
Cruise and Holmes, 28, have so far kept a wholesome family image in Hollywood but they also want to show off a more sensual side of their relationship.

“Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry,” says the pal. “They want to show the world how much.”


YES!

Here are my other suggestions for some hot photo set-ups:

Tom and Katie both dress up like bananas and fight with swords.
Katie is shown totally naked while Tom looks at her like she's crazy.
Tom has sex with a guy while Katie reads a magazine about sewing.

Recommendations

It seems like every magazine or website has a recommendations section, so I think I'd better do one too.

We recommend...

Burt's Bees Lip Balm
Not getting AIDS