Great ideas!

My husband and I are drinking at the airport, and we just decided that dildo is the new douchebag.

Effective immediately.

List

I wrote this list with my husband, Jeff Drake, about a million years ago. I found it in my old files.

Opening Lines For Jay Leno’s Opening Monologue That Might Set The Wrong Tone For The Show

Before we get started, here’s a tape of me crying silently in my shower for fifteen minutes.

What the fuck do you people want from me?

Our guests tonight are Billy Crudup, Amanda Peet and a seven-eyed winged demon that lives in my belly.

If the monologue seems a little off tonight, it’s just because I crapped my pants.

So, anybody here hate Jews?

Imaginary Diseases That I’ve Been Diagnosed With In Dreams, and Their Symptoms

Psychopantosis: The chronic sensation that you are wearing pants even when you are, in fact, not wearing pants.

I'm Radioactive!

So, I have some kind of thyroid disorder, which makes me hot, fat, sweaty, kinda bald, and frequently sleepless. In other words, sexy.

Today, I went and took a radioactive pill that they use as a diagnostic tool.

I am really hoping that it will give me the following superpowers, presented here in no particular order:

Extra face

Will look good in all pants

Automatic first-class upgrade on all flights exceeding three (3) hours

Wi-fi

Become permanent cast member of "The Hills"

Superfast court-room sketch artist skills

Not fat

You're Bad At Your Job

Let's face it, your career is going nowhere. Maybe that's because you're in the wrong job. This quiz, exclusively for career gals, should point you in the right direction.

Click to enlarge.



Design by Claudean Wheeler.

This is from my upcoming book, the link to it is in the post just below.

History!

We ladies, as you know, are not very smart. Luckily, I've come up with this handy clip 'n save timeline. Put it in your purse and whip it out whenever you need to pretend to be smart.

Click to enlarge.






That's from my forthcoming book, which you may purchase one billion copies of here:


Everything Is Wrong With You: The Modern Woman's Guide To Finding Self-Confidence Through Self-Loathing

The illustrations are by the elusive Turkney Wainscot, and the design is by the emotionally available Claudean Wheeler.

Cover

They put up the cover for my book on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Don't Drink That Milk!

I was reading a review of the hotel where Jeff and I are staying when we go to NYC in a couple of weeks, and I am really excited:

"The continental style breakfast is fine, and is included in the room rate, but they regularly ran out of a) cutlery b) plates and bowels and c) coffee. It was amusing to watch guests drink milk from bowels or butter croissants with pens."

Okay, where did they get the bowels from after the hotel ran out of them? Did they eviscerate other guests, rip out their bowels and then pour milk into them? I can't fucking wait to stay at this place! I am going to eat Count Chocula out of someone's still beating heart!

Zeroes

This is a little something I wrote at my dayjob over at the NBC.


Zeroes Episode One

Reg From Down The Block

Here is a video directed by my husband-person. Please to enjoy. It's kind of NSFW.

Reg From Down The Block

Axe Douche!

Today I invented a new product called Axe Douche. It's a douche for women who sleep with men who use Axe Body Spray.

It's perfect for right after you've been date raped.

Pledge Today

I have decided that the amount that it would take to make me go see this movie ( The Bucket List ) is one hundred thousand dollars. Please leave your pledges in the comments section. All pledges are legally binding. If I reach my goal, I will attend the movie on opening day.

I Wrote A Book

Hi. I am pretty sure that just my dad is reading this blog, and I think he already bought my book. Hi dad. Thanks for college and all the food and stuff.

But if you aren't my dad and you enjoy the reading of fake self-help books, please click here to obtain a copy:

Everything Is Wrong With You: The Modern Woman's Guide To Finding Self-Confidence Through Self-Loathing

Thank you, and I promise to use all proceeds from my book to buy cute outfits for Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.

Spoiler Alert For The New Season Of The Bachelor!

1. The new bachelor will have his identical twin take his place to find out which of the girls really wants to be with him.

2. The bachelor will propose at the end of the season.

3. Everybody dies.

Sometimes, The Racist Unicorn Jokes Write Themselves

So, a couple of years ago, I worked on a short film called Teenage Baby with my husbnd and my pal Kate. We made a production website called UnicornBaby.com

On it, Kate wrote that because all unicorns are white, they are racist. Then today, I received this email:


From: Bruce Goldwell
dragonkeepers@gmail.com

What is this about???


Unicorns have horns. (thus their being a UNIcorn)
Unicorns are usually white. (usually white! so sometimes they are pink, blue, orange, black, or whatever.. not into cartoons are you???)

I've never seen a unicorn that wasn't white. (they are Usually white, but you have not seen a non-white unicorn)

IF something is Usually white, that would mean that it is not always white... which means there are non-white unicorns...

Unicorns are racist. (unicorns are fictitious, they can't have a bias such as Racist.. your charge that they do makes you a racist!)

It's a fact. (only in your own mind)

Does that mean that A BLACK PANTHER is racist too cause there a no white black panthers?

Polar bears are white... are they racist too?

the only ones that are racist are those that see people as black or white...

I remember someone by the name of Martin L. King who said he looks forward to the day

when people are judged by the character and not by the color of their skin....

and here you are taking a fantasy creature and turning it into a political icon for your own

agenda.... get off your band wagon and get real....

what you are really saying is the people who draw unicorns as being white are racist... like

an artist has the color of people in mind when they draw a fantasy creature....

the smurfs are blue.. does that make them racist??

Racism carries connotations of race-based bigotry, prejudice, violence, oppression, stereotyping or discrimination, the term has varying and often hotly contested definitions. Racialism is a related term intended to avoid these negative meanings. According to the Oxford English Dictionary , racism is a belief or ideology that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another race or races. The Merriam-Webster's Webster's Dictionary dictionary defines racism as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race, and that it is also the prejudice based on such a belief.[1] The Macquarie Dictionary defines racism thus: the belief that human races have distinctive characteristics which determine their respective cultures, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule or dominate others.

I have never known of a story with a UNICORN that ever depicted that the UNICORN was a superior creature to any human black, white or purple...

Seems to me that people like you love throwing the word RACISM out at every opportunity you can just to create more RACISM!

GET REAL!

I don't care if you are white, black, purple, pink, blue or whatever.. your statement is a blatant attack on something that

is completely outside the realm of your political agenda. You are obviously a racist, that is a fact!!


Just my thought....


BTW.. I checked out your ABOUT US PAGE... is there a reason the three of you are all white....???





Oh Bruce, I think I love you. And tomorrow, I will answer all of your questions right here on my blog! Stay sexy, Bruce.