List

I wrote this list with my husband, Jeff Drake, about a million years ago. I found it in my old files.

Opening Lines For Jay Leno’s Opening Monologue That Might Set The Wrong Tone For The Show

Before we get started, here’s a tape of me crying silently in my shower for fifteen minutes.

What the fuck do you people want from me?

Our guests tonight are Billy Crudup, Amanda Peet and a seven-eyed winged demon that lives in my belly.

If the monologue seems a little off tonight, it’s just because I crapped my pants.

So, anybody here hate Jews?