Spoilers For Indiana Jones

You guys, I just saw Indiana Jones, and I don't want to ruin it for you, but INDY AND BIG get MARRIED!!!!! OMG. Also, Carrie gets crushed by a giant rolling boulder and Samantha does it with Iron Man. OMG!

Resolution

Okay, so I neglect this blog, just as I predicted I would, just as I will someday, (lord willing!) neglect my children and spend all day at the track.

But, I have decided starting today that I will write something on here every day. I know, what a huge sacrifice. How can I be so ACCOMPLISHED? Watch and learn.

So, today, let's review a movie that's really old and horrible but that I only finally saw today while having a cold and being lazy: "A Good Year" starring Russell Crowe. Do not watch this movie, because if you do, you might find yourself turning to your cat and saying, "This is a really fucking horrible movie, isn't it?" And it's really so bad that you think your cat totally knows what you said, and kind of nodded.

In case you missed it (you did), the movie is about an English finance dude who inherits a French estate/vineyard and then goes there and then like, learns to be a good person and stuff. It's like Pretty Woman, only the part of the prostitute is played by a vineyard. And the horrible, painful part is watching Russell Crowe trying to be funny, when we all know the only funny thing he ever did was throwing a phone at a hotel clerk. If the movie was just Russell Crowe throwing a phone at a vineyard, that would have been great.

The end.

One star out out of one million.

Human Resources Would Like To Speak With You

I think we all know what sexual harrassment is, but what about sensual harrassment? You might find yourself up on charges for it if you do the following at work:

Talk in a soothing voice.
Offer someone some Oil Of Olay bath products.
Light an aromatherapy candle in a common area.
Draw your assistant a bath.
Grab someone on the boobies.

Pulling A Train

Do you like to be shocked and appalled?

Go here. Read first entry.

drake's cakes

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Censorship

So, it must have been like two years ago that I submitted a comedy piece to the dirty humor issue of Monkeybicycle, and I always wondered what happened to the issue.

Well, a lot.

Read below, and learn a little bit about how an issue of a literary magazine is deemed too obscene to even be printed.

From the editor, Eric Spitznagel:

Hello, my disturbingly talented and oh-so-patient contributor.

Doesn't it seem like just yesterday that I was writing to you and announcing that the Monkeybicycle Dirty Comedy Issue, which includes your brilliant and spit-coffee-onto-my-computer-screen hilarious story, was getting published? Well, that was almost six months ago. What, you must reasonably be wondering, is the meaning of this?

Funny story. It turns out we've created something that, according to a few very reliable sources, is unprintable.

That's right, un-print-able.

In my last report, I told you that the issue was being published by Dzanc Books. That much remains true. However, when we sent the issue to a printer, it was promptly returned to us. Did our check bounce? Not at all. Did we deliver it in an improper format? Nope. The issue was rejected because the printer considered the content too obscene.


Take a moment and let that really sink in.

The printer, who is the publishing equivalent of a xerox machine, refused to accept money from us because they found our little collection of naughty humor to be morally objectionable. Apparently they believed that simply providing the ink to reproduce your words, and then putting it on paper and attaching everything with staples, would lead to their eternal damnation in a Judeo-Christian hell.

"Huh, that's weird," we thought. "Well, no cause for alarm. We'll just send it to another printer." Which we did. But again, it was rejected for content. So we tried another printer, and and another, and another. Every time, they said, "Thanks but no thanks." Actually, they weren't always so gracious. Remember that scene in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (the 1978 version) when Veronica Cartwright runs over to Donald Sutherland, thinking he hasn't been infected yet, and he points a yellow finger at her and lets out a ululating cry, alerting the other pod-people? That's kinda what it was like.

We eventually figured out what was happening. In addition to your fine stories, the dirty comedy issue also includes several cartoons. One of these cartoons was created by the inimitable Jeffrey Brown. I'm not going to get into specifics about exactly what transpires within the panels of Mr. Brown's offering, whose title is "Not Tonight", but I will say this: there's a LOT of menstrual blood. And perhaps unwisely, Monkeybicycle Ubermensch Steven Seighman and I decided to publish this cartoon in color. Okay, not
full-color, but featuring at least one notable, biologically accurate color.

Long story short, the printer's employees inevitably noticed this cartoon - it's kinda hard to miss - which led them to investigate the rest of the book. And I'll admit, you don't really have to read the entire issue to stumble upon something that'll offend just about everyone. We've got stories about anal masturbation with cucumbers and Penthouse letters from Samuel Beckett and the bukkake cultural appropriation police and Sarah Silverman's poop being carried to heaven by the Baby Jesus. I'm honestly not surprised that these printers - which, I can only assume, are operated by god-fearing Americans who think Jim Belushi is a comedy genius - don't think very highly of us. I just didn't think they'd actually censor us.

Seriously, what exactly is going on? Is Monkeybicycle the funny version of Ulysses and it's the 1920s? I don't understand.

I do have some good news. We've finally found a printer with the cajones to work with us, and to the best of our knowledge, they're not connected to the mob. There is, however, a small catch. That Jeffrey Brown comic that caused us so much trouble in the past? It's being published in black-and-white. In other words, without a certain crimson color that might remind anybody of a lady's hoo-haw during an unmentionable time of the month.


I think we've learned something today, my friends. We've learned that the printing industry is afraid of menstruation.

If all goes as planned (i.e. the printer doesn't catch a whiff of menstrual blood in any of the other stories), you should have a copy of the long-awaited comedy issue in the next 2-3 weeks. Which of course, given our history of trying (and failing) to get this thing published, means early 2011.

See you in prison!

Hugs,

Eric Spitznagel
Your bewildered editor


CRAZY, right. And my suggestion is that every copy come with a red marker to restore the comic to its full menstrual glory!

Donuts

I don't want to brag (yes I do), but I have a friend who happens to be an international donut reporter, and you can read all about his adventures here:

http://nycdonutreport.blogspot.com/

It's really the funniest blog about donuts you are going to read all week, so do go on over there, won't you?

Bestselling Books For People With Low Expectations

The Okay Bones
The Three Or Four People You Meet In Heaven
Walking With Scissors
Eat, Pray, And Then, I Don't Know, Maybe Make Some Phone Calls?
The DaVinci Code

Are you tired of being totally acceptable?

One of my favorite ads on facebook is this one:



I am assuming that a company that helps you lose weight if you are over 120 pounds also offers the following services:

1. Helps to make you taller if you are a man under 6'2"
2. Counseling for long-term couples who are generally happy but occasionally fight
3. Money management for homeowners with tons of retirement savings
4. Help for puppies who are already cute
5. Grow your penis if it is slightly under 8 inches
6. Drug interventions for people who tried ecstasy once in college but didn't really like it

Thanks, TV

Before I watched the entire John Adams mini-series on HBO, I would say that I was a fan of Paul Giamatti and curious about John Adams.

Now I would say that I am just wishing I had a time machine so I could go back to my state of innocence.

It's not Paul Giamatti's fault that they hired a guy who is clearly still in film school to direct it though.

Also, here's how I picture the conversation right before the scene where Sarah Polley gets a mastectomy going.

SARAH: Um, do we really need to show my breast right before they cut it off?

DIRECTOR: Oh, definitely. So, pop that sucker out and lay down there.

SARAH: I mean, because, they'll know it's there. They won't be like "prove that you have a boob before they cut it off."

DIRECTOR: Um, look lady, it's not like you've directed a movie, now show me those titties!

SARAH: Actually, I directed Away From Her? It got nominated--

DIRECTOR: ACTION!

Maybe I should watch Lady In The Water now. It has to be better, right? RIGHT?

Travel Recap and, Of Course, The Bachelor

Just got back from travels to Mill Valley and Santa Cruz last night. Mill Valley is a picturesque town where my sister got married. Every store there sells wine, sweaters for dogs, or wine and sweaters for dogs. My sister planned everything right down to the last detail, except for the part where the crazy minister at the church they picked brought out a SACK OF PROPS and proceeded to do his tight five in the middle of their wedding ceremony for NO REASON. I guess that's what we'll all wind up remembering about the wedding -- the crazy fucking minister and his paper grocery sack full of gags.

On the way home we drove through Santa Cruz to visit my old college pal Caroline, who is now a fancy doctor of geology there, and spends her days making sweet love to a mass spectrometer and being all smart and shit. It just so happened that we drove through on national pot-smoking holiday 4-20. We wandered downtown looking for weird hippies celebrating, and found the smallest, saddest little celebration of like a few hundred people standing in a circle staring at three stiltwalkers dancing around listlessy as some guy rapped. Apparently the real celebration was on campus, but we decided that really a celebration where ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS HAPPENING is the perfect 4-20 event.

Also, did anyone watch The Bachelor last night? Did anyone see Shayne's mom's face? This is the only appropriate comparison, right?



Janice from The Muppets

And Off She Goes..

A mere three days from now my little sister Maggie is tying the knot. My bridesmaid's dress is being tailored, the airline tickets are booked, and the rental car is ready. And yet! There is a little part of me that expects to get to the airport in Oakland, and someone will tell me that the ceremony is called off, because Maggie is still a toddler. The one I babysat all the time. Or the five year old on videotape who runs onto the screen and yells make-up! and socks my other sister in the face with a big white pillow. She's still the eighth grader who would eat big bowls of Cheerios and talk about guys she liked. She's the captain of the cross-country team. The Berkeley sorority girl. The single lady in San Francisco.

The baby my mom brought home from the hospital. The little one with all the dark hair.

cannibalizing my other blog

In case you haven't been to visit us at AlisonandWendy.tumblr.com, here's what we're talking about:

ALISON: there is a marilyn monroe sex tape that's been found showing her performing oral sex

WENDY: i heard.
i love that the guy who bought it won't show it
TO PROTECT HER DIGNITY

ALISON: right

WENDY: like
yeah, she's been allowed so much dignity in the past
let's keep that up

ALISON: I wish it was a nancy reagan sex tape
because I'm hot for Nancy

WENDY: i wish it was a jenna jameson sex tape

ALISON: if only that existed

WENDY: I'm going to announce that i've found a jenna jameson sex tape and i'm selling it for 1.5 mill

ALISON: but you won't show it

WENDY: yeah

ALISON: I wonder who the guy in the monroe tape is

WENDY: john adams
it's a cross promotional viral video
with Turner Classic Movies and HBO

ALISON: you click on the link...and get rickrolled!

Rock Chalk!

Well, our beloved KU Jayhawks did it, and I'm naming all of my babies Mario Chalmers. I love college basketball, and it's about the only sport I can really get into. For further evidence, enjoy this re-run of a little thing about football I did for McSweeney's.

A FOOTBALL
HALFTIME PEP TALK
GIVEN BY SOMEONE WHO
KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT
FOOTBALL—NAMELY, ME.

- - - -

OK, guys. Something happened out there. You ran a lot, and sometimes you threw and caught the ball. Anyway, somehow we wound up being down by 28 points. And that's not good. Even I know that. That's four touchdowns. Or maybe it's four touchdowns and four kicks. I think you only get 6 points for a touchdown and then you have to kick the ball. And you probably have to kick it from a certain distance. I don't know. But listen. Here's the thing. You guys have got to do better in the second half. Because there are only two halves. The halves are about 30 minutes long, and there is a halftime show, sometimes with John Fogerty.

I didn't even know that guy was alive, and sometimes I think he's Peter Frampton, and sometimes I think he was in Dire Straits. Was he? Anyone?

So look: I don't know who to direct this to, because I can't tell you apart. That's a big part of why I never watch football. I can't see your faces, so the sport lacks the inherent drama of baseball or basketball. And there are so fucking many of you on this team that it confuses me. Because only 11 of you can play at once. Or maybe that's soccer.

Let's do this: if you played in the first half, raise your hand.

Really? Wow. I don't recognize any of you.

All right. Well, here's what I can tell you. You have four chances to get a first down, and to get a first down you have to advance the ball 10 yards down the field. You can do that by passing or running the ball. I don't think you can kick it, but I would not quote me on that. Before each play, you'll get together in a huddle, and the quarterback will tell you what to do. Then you'll line up facing the other team. Some guy will move before everyone else. Most of the time that's OK, but I think sometimes he goes too soon and that's called a "man in motion." Maybe. Anyway, the quarterback will then pass the ball through his legs. Nope. Strike that. The guy who hikes the ball will pass it through his legs to the quarterback. And then the quarterback will either pass the ball or run it.

Now, this is important. If he gives you the ball, run toward our goal and try not to get tackled.

So, that's it, it's simple. Oh, and if you know what any of the following things are, try not to do them:

1. Holding

2. Facemasking

3. Excessive celebration

OK, you guys. I know you're probably bored shitless out there, and you want to claw your own eyeballs out for forgetting to bring a magazine. I know that you probably got involved in this whole football thing because you were pretending to like it to impress a guy. But now you're stuck actually having to play through an entire game. So just—I don't know—maybe think about what you're going to do after the game or tomorrow. If you can find a way to get drunk, maybe you'll start actually finding this fun. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. If all else fails, just concentrate on how good the shiny pants look on your teammates. Yeah, that's a little gay, but fuck it. We're down by 28 points, so we have to do whatever it takes. Seeming a little queer is the least of your problems.

I guess what I'm saying is try to do better. Or don't. Whatever. I'm not going to pay any attention.

Counterpoint

You know, some people say that CNN's website is sensationalist, but I disagree.

I mean, are you saying there is something sensationalist about this headline from today:

Cannibal fantasy child killer sent to death row

That reminds me, I need to go fill out my Cannibal Fantasy Football bracket.

ZING!

Cakes, Dogs, Wolfmen

Hi! I've kind of been on hiatus for no good reason. Well, not exactly. I mean, I have been very busy and I guess that's a reason not to write a blog entry. Anyway, I am now going to write an entry of completely random stuff.

Stuff One

I am reading "Rock On" by Dan Kennedy. It's pretty funny. It's about time spent as a marketing manager at a big record label, and a lot of it reminds me of my time (which is ongoing) doing promotions for big TV networks. These jobs are kind of funny because you do wind up sitting in rooms with actors or writers (or in his case, musicians/singers) whom you have no business interacting with. Like tomorrow I have to go shoot something with David Alan Grier. Like, what? It's a weird sort of thing.

I hope he's nice, because I actually think he's funny.


Stuff Two

I am not going to go out during the day and adopt a dog and "surprise" my husband with it when he gets home. That would be irresponsible.

Stuff Three

My friend and I turned in a new book proposal yesterday. I really do want to write it, even though putting a book out was pretty strange. You spend all this time writing it, and you feel like you are making this big birthday cake, and that putting your book out will be like taking the cake to a party and being like LOOK AT MY CAKE EVERYONE! LOOK, A NICE CAKE!

But really, unless you are famous or your publisher has a ton of money to market your book, it's more like you bake a birthday cake, and then you wait until the middle of the night, get into your car, drive out into the middle of nowhere and throw your cake into a deep, dark lake.

And the bottom is totally covered with other people's birthday cakes.

So, yeah.

Stuff Four

Seriously, I'm not gonna just go get a dog.

Stuff Five

You know, unless you guys think I should totally do that.