Friday, October 19, 2007

History!

We ladies, as you know, are not very smart. Luckily, I've come up with this handy clip 'n save timeline. Put it in your purse and whip it out whenever you need to pretend to be smart.

Click to enlarge.






That's from my forthcoming book, which you may purchase one billion copies of here:


Everything Is Wrong With You: The Modern Woman's Guide To Finding Self-Confidence Through Self-Loathing

The illustrations are by the elusive Turkney Wainscot, and the design is by the emotionally available Claudean Wheeler.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Cover





They put up the cover for my book on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Don't Drink That Milk!

I was reading a review of the hotel where Jeff and I are staying when we go to NYC in a couple of weeks, and I am really excited:

"The continental style breakfast is fine, and is included in the room rate, but they regularly ran out of a) cutlery b) plates and bowels and c) coffee. It was amusing to watch guests drink milk from bowels or butter croissants with pens."

Okay, where did they get the bowels from after the hotel ran out of them? Did they eviscerate other guests, rip out their bowels and then pour milk into them? I can't fucking wait to stay at this place! I am going to eat Count Chocula out of someone's still beating heart!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Friday, October 5, 2007

Reg From Down The Block

Here is a video directed by my husband-person. Please to enjoy. It's kind of NSFW.

Reg From Down The Block

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Axe Douche!




Today I invented a new product called Axe Douche. It's a douche for women who sleep with men who use Axe Body Spray.

It's perfect for right after you've been date raped.

Pledge Today

I have decided that the amount that it would take to make me go see this movie ( The Bucket List ) is one hundred thousand dollars. Please leave your pledges in the comments section. All pledges are legally binding. If I reach my goal, I will attend the movie on opening day.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I Wrote A Book

Hi. I am pretty sure that just my dad is reading this blog, and I think he already bought my book. Hi dad. Thanks for college and all the food and stuff.

But if you aren't my dad and you enjoy the reading of fake self-help books, please click here to obtain a copy:

Everything Is Wrong With You: The Modern Woman's Guide To Finding Self-Confidence Through Self-Loathing

Thank you, and I promise to use all proceeds from my book to buy cute outfits for Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.

Spoiler Alert For The New Season Of The Bachelor!

1. The new bachelor will have his identical twin take his place to find out which of the girls really wants to be with him.

2. The bachelor will propose at the end of the season.

3. Everybody dies.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Sometimes, The Racist Unicorn Jokes Write Themselves

So, a couple of years ago, I worked on a short film called Teenage Baby with my husbnd and my pal Kate. We made a production website called UnicornBaby.com

On it, Kate wrote that because all unicorns are white, they are racist. Then today, I received this email:


From: Bruce Goldwell
dragonkeepers@gmail.com

What is this about???


Unicorns have horns. (thus their being a UNIcorn)
Unicorns are usually white. (usually white! so sometimes they are pink, blue, orange, black, or whatever.. not into cartoons are you???)

I've never seen a unicorn that wasn't white. (they are Usually white, but you have not seen a non-white unicorn)

IF something is Usually white, that would mean that it is not always white... which means there are non-white unicorns...

Unicorns are racist. (unicorns are fictitious, they can't have a bias such as Racist.. your charge that they do makes you a racist!)

It's a fact. (only in your own mind)

Does that mean that A BLACK PANTHER is racist too cause there a no white black panthers?

Polar bears are white... are they racist too?

the only ones that are racist are those that see people as black or white...

I remember someone by the name of Martin L. King who said he looks forward to the day

when people are judged by the character and not by the color of their skin....

and here you are taking a fantasy creature and turning it into a political icon for your own

agenda.... get off your band wagon and get real....

what you are really saying is the people who draw unicorns as being white are racist... like

an artist has the color of people in mind when they draw a fantasy creature....

the smurfs are blue.. does that make them racist??

Racism carries connotations of race-based bigotry, prejudice, violence, oppression, stereotyping or discrimination, the term has varying and often hotly contested definitions. Racialism is a related term intended to avoid these negative meanings. According to the Oxford English Dictionary , racism is a belief or ideology that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another race or races. The Merriam-Webster's Webster's Dictionary dictionary defines racism as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race, and that it is also the prejudice based on such a belief.[1] The Macquarie Dictionary defines racism thus: the belief that human races have distinctive characteristics which determine their respective cultures, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule or dominate others.

I have never known of a story with a UNICORN that ever depicted that the UNICORN was a superior creature to any human black, white or purple...

Seems to me that people like you love throwing the word RACISM out at every opportunity you can just to create more RACISM!

GET REAL!

I don't care if you are white, black, purple, pink, blue or whatever.. your statement is a blatant attack on something that

is completely outside the realm of your political agenda. You are obviously a racist, that is a fact!!


Just my thought....


BTW.. I checked out your ABOUT US PAGE... is there a reason the three of you are all white....???





Oh Bruce, I think I love you. And tomorrow, I will answer all of your questions right here on my blog! Stay sexy, Bruce.

Monday, September 17, 2007

What Sally Field Said When She Was Censored At The Emmys Last Night

Edited comments:

"Hey, I like balls and vaginas. Do you guys? And you know what I hate? Jews. I am gonna say it once, and you best believe, Sally Field hates her some fucking Jews! Dildo! Dildo! I am gonna get some anal sex tonight! Jesus is a faggot!"

Normal broadcast resumes.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Oh Shit

I don't want to freak anyone out, but I just got an email that my Amazom account has been violated. Shit, not my Amazom account. Where will I order my boocs and dvdss from? Fubk.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Guilty Pleasures

Calling People Douches: Sure, I’m overusing it, but maybe that’s because there are so many fucking douchebags out there.

Fat Guys: They’re funnier, they’re nicer, and they have big fat bellies. What’s not to like?

Guilt: Have you tried it? It’s the ultimate way to reward yourself for anything you have or haven’t done. Sure, you could finish your work, call your grandma, or not eat that king-sized Snickers while watching Rush Hour 3 and masturbating, but why? Just indulge yourself with a little bit of guilt afterwards and you’ll feel so much better.

Looking At Other People’s Babies: They’re so cute, and you don’t have to be responsible for them. Enjoy!

Talking Back To The TV In The Morning: I defy you to watch The View or The Today Show without talking back to the TV.

Diamonds: They’re shiny and they’re worth a shit-load of money. You should get some right away. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a total douche.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

A Few Things That Happened At Islands Today

So, this has nothing to do with anything, but I went to Islands today with my Mom, my sister and her six week old baby.

The minute we sat down the waitress was like, do you guys want a basket of fries, or some exotic drinks?

Um, yeah, it's noon on Saturday at a mall in Ontario, California, we have a six week old baby with us, so yes, yes please bring us those exotic drinks. How did you know? Are you some kind of psychic? We came to Islands at the mall to get shit-faced and then drag-race around the parking lot with the baby. Well played, Islands restaurant.

And then, after lunch, I was holding the baby and he pooped all over me.

I was like, yeah, that seems about right.

Daily Affirmations For People Who Do Too Much Drugs

September 4th

Remember that you are awesome. The most awesome. Especially when you are on cocaine.

October 29th

You are a special person. Your insights are special. Especially your insights about Pink Floyd. Wow.

December 6th

Spend some time with yourself. Alone. Don't let anyone in. Don't answer the phone. It's probably the government. They're in your brain. Maybe you should rearrange the furniture again. That'll fool 'em.

November 14th

Wait, I thought it was December? Is someone trying to fuck with me?

January 2nd

You have so many talents. At least you used to. Remember?

February 18th

Listen to the wind. Feel the rain. You are part of nature. Because you are homeless now.