Inappropriate Secret Santa Gifts

I submitted this list for an upcoming Radar list. Not sure which, if any, of mine were included. I'm also not getting credited there, so since like five people read this blog, I'm posting my full submission here. Please to enjoy!

Inappropriate Secret Santa Gifts

Hi! Please meet Jeremy Piven. He’s going to spend the rest of your life with you.

Handmade paper-clip swastikas.

A gentle desk-side tea-bagging.

Rats

Um, you’re not fired. That’s your fucking Christmas present.

Shrimp scampi

A tiny baby Jesus figurine carved from a stick of butter, toast points.

Nuggets

Do you like snakes? No? Oh. Um, don’t go home.

Searing loneliness.

A gift certificate for five dollars worth of brain surgery

Lumps

Soft moaning

A complimentary night at the Ritz-Carlton hotel, secreted away inside the fat rolls of a person with poor personal hygiene.

An Apple laptop! Just kidding.

A box that if you open it, you’ll get a million dollars, but someone that you’ve never met before will die. Oh, you opened it? Well, now I am going to give it to someone that you’ve never met before. That’s right. Now you are going to die. Merry Christmas, dead guy. Look, I’m sorry. I was kidding. Stop crying. You aren’t going to die. That was just a box I found in the supply closet. You’re fired.

Iraq

A molar

Chridney, the talking Christmas kidney

An alpaca farm

Cocaine

Ointment

A pap smear on Santa’s Sleigh

Chest hair extensions

Someone else’s breast implants

Thyroid disease

Season tickets to your gun show

Notebook paper margins

A sack full of wishes, a pocket full of dreams!

An abortion

A Christmas card you received from your insurance company

Your yarmulke

An iPod loaded with 80gb of your mother reciting your failures over and over again.

Tampons

Jessica Alba’s first novel

Gasoline

A lifetime membership in Oprah’s Boob Club, if you know what I mean! I mean you can touch her boobs. Touch them or you are a racist.

Awkward silence

A hasty marriage proposal

A Cat-scan

Secondhand smoke

A prostitute

Secondhand smoke from a prostitute

A Cat-scan from a prostitute

Hey, I got you some cat toys for your cats. Oh, you don’t have cats? Weird, you seem like the kind of girl who would have a lot of cats. It also seems like you’re a virgin who cries a lot.

Lunchables.

Your very own coke pants.

A Weight Watchers membership

You know that poem you sent me, the one you wrote in college about that guy you met when you were studying abroad in Prague? Well, I forwarded it to everyone in the office! Merry Christmas!

Regis

Christmas Chrabs

Rendition to Saudi Arabia

Secondhand fuck-swing

A howler monkey

A soap dispenser, freshly ripped from the bathroom wall

I spent a little more than we were supposed to, but I took out a contract on your life.

A videotape of every shower you’ve taken in December.

I’ve kidnapped your baby so that you can have a more peaceful Christmas

Sneak up behind co-worker, taser him, shout “It’s a Christmas miracle!”

An orgasm

Ryan Seacrest