State Mottoes For The Severely Depressed

In God we trust, for now, until he lets us down like everybody else

Manly deeds, womanly words, gay panic

I have found it. No, wait, I didn't.

Let us be grateful to God*

To the stars through adversity, to the liquor store at 8 a.m.

With God, all things are possible. Well, that's wrong.

Thus be it always to pizzas: I will eat a lot of you.

Mountaineers are always free. But what's the point?

Gold and silver, and also a weird smell.

Friendship

Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem
(TRANSLATION: "I think I might have fibromyalgia")

Live free and die

The Strike

Well, I'm on strike, which is weird, because I wasn't working on a show. But! I am a Guild member and so I've been walking the picket lines, etc.

There are a few things about the strike that people oughta know.

1. The writers know that they aren't poor. When we are working, we make good money. This strike isn't so much about justice (no one's starving on the street), it's about fairness. The studios are making, or will make, a lot of money online. The writers are asking for 2.5% of revenue. Yep, two and a half cents on each dollar. It's not a lot, and it's fair.

2. The writers are ready to go back to work right now. So, before anyone blames the strike for other workers losing their jobs, they should know that we are ready to sit down. The producers (the AMPTP) have refused to re-open negotiations.

3. Most writers are like me. I was on a show, and it got canceled. I've been living off savings, some freelance promo, and a book sale. Yes, there are some millionaire writers out there, but most of us still rent, shop at the mall and Ralph's, and hustle constantly to find work.

4. Les Moonves, Jeff Zucker, Rupert Murdoch, Peter Chernin and the like are rich. Filthy rich. Private jet-flying, yachting on the weekend, two penthouses in New York buying RICH. When Kevin Reilly got fired from NBC last year, they paid him 5 million dollars per year for the next three years. They paid him 15 million NOT to work.

5. The networks would rather there were no unions. Really. So if you are in another union and you are out of work because of the strike, just remember that if they bust our union, you're next!

For more info, or to help out, go HERE

Names For Italian People

If you are Italian, but you don't have a name, here is one you might like to use:

Franco Spaghetti

Great ideas!

My husband and I are drinking at the airport, and we just decided that dildo is the new douchebag.

Effective immediately.

List

I wrote this list with my husband, Jeff Drake, about a million years ago. I found it in my old files.

Opening Lines For Jay Leno’s Opening Monologue That Might Set The Wrong Tone For The Show

Before we get started, here’s a tape of me crying silently in my shower for fifteen minutes.

What the fuck do you people want from me?

Our guests tonight are Billy Crudup, Amanda Peet and a seven-eyed winged demon that lives in my belly.

If the monologue seems a little off tonight, it’s just because I crapped my pants.

So, anybody here hate Jews?

Imaginary Diseases That I’ve Been Diagnosed With In Dreams, and Their Symptoms

Psychopantosis: The chronic sensation that you are wearing pants even when you are, in fact, not wearing pants.

I'm Radioactive!

So, I have some kind of thyroid disorder, which makes me hot, fat, sweaty, kinda bald, and frequently sleepless. In other words, sexy.

Today, I went and took a radioactive pill that they use as a diagnostic tool.

I am really hoping that it will give me the following superpowers, presented here in no particular order:

Extra face

Will look good in all pants

Automatic first-class upgrade on all flights exceeding three (3) hours

Wi-fi

Become permanent cast member of "The Hills"

Superfast court-room sketch artist skills

Not fat

You're Bad At Your Job

Let's face it, your career is going nowhere. Maybe that's because you're in the wrong job. This quiz, exclusively for career gals, should point you in the right direction.

Click to enlarge.



Design by Claudean Wheeler.

This is from my upcoming book, the link to it is in the post just below.

History!

We ladies, as you know, are not very smart. Luckily, I've come up with this handy clip 'n save timeline. Put it in your purse and whip it out whenever you need to pretend to be smart.

Click to enlarge.






That's from my forthcoming book, which you may purchase one billion copies of here:


Everything Is Wrong With You: The Modern Woman's Guide To Finding Self-Confidence Through Self-Loathing

The illustrations are by the elusive Turkney Wainscot, and the design is by the emotionally available Claudean Wheeler.

Cover

They put up the cover for my book on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Don't Drink That Milk!

I was reading a review of the hotel where Jeff and I are staying when we go to NYC in a couple of weeks, and I am really excited:

"The continental style breakfast is fine, and is included in the room rate, but they regularly ran out of a) cutlery b) plates and bowels and c) coffee. It was amusing to watch guests drink milk from bowels or butter croissants with pens."

Okay, where did they get the bowels from after the hotel ran out of them? Did they eviscerate other guests, rip out their bowels and then pour milk into them? I can't fucking wait to stay at this place! I am going to eat Count Chocula out of someone's still beating heart!

Zeroes

This is a little something I wrote at my dayjob over at the NBC.


Zeroes Episode One

Reg From Down The Block

Here is a video directed by my husband-person. Please to enjoy. It's kind of NSFW.

Reg From Down The Block

Axe Douche!

Today I invented a new product called Axe Douche. It's a douche for women who sleep with men who use Axe Body Spray.

It's perfect for right after you've been date raped.

Pledge Today

I have decided that the amount that it would take to make me go see this movie ( The Bucket List ) is one hundred thousand dollars. Please leave your pledges in the comments section. All pledges are legally binding. If I reach my goal, I will attend the movie on opening day.