Edited comments:
"Hey, I like balls and vaginas. Do you guys? And you know what I hate? Jews. I am gonna say it once, and you best believe, Sally Field hates her some fucking Jews! Dildo! Dildo! I am gonna get some anal sex tonight! Jesus is a faggot!"
Normal broadcast resumes.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Oh Shit
I don't want to freak anyone out, but I just got an email that my Amazom account has been violated. Shit, not my Amazom account. Where will I order my boocs and dvdss from? Fubk.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Guilty Pleasures
Calling People Douches: Sure, I’m overusing it, but maybe that’s because there are so many fucking douchebags out there.
Fat Guys: They’re funnier, they’re nicer, and they have big fat bellies. What’s not to like?
Guilt: Have you tried it? It’s the ultimate way to reward yourself for anything you have or haven’t done. Sure, you could finish your work, call your grandma, or not eat that king-sized Snickers while watching Rush Hour 3 and masturbating, but why? Just indulge yourself with a little bit of guilt afterwards and you’ll feel so much better.
Looking At Other People’s Babies: They’re so cute, and you don’t have to be responsible for them. Enjoy!
Talking Back To The TV In The Morning: I defy you to watch The View or The Today Show without talking back to the TV.
Diamonds: They’re shiny and they’re worth a shit-load of money. You should get some right away. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a total douche.
Fat Guys: They’re funnier, they’re nicer, and they have big fat bellies. What’s not to like?
Guilt: Have you tried it? It’s the ultimate way to reward yourself for anything you have or haven’t done. Sure, you could finish your work, call your grandma, or not eat that king-sized Snickers while watching Rush Hour 3 and masturbating, but why? Just indulge yourself with a little bit of guilt afterwards and you’ll feel so much better.
Looking At Other People’s Babies: They’re so cute, and you don’t have to be responsible for them. Enjoy!
Talking Back To The TV In The Morning: I defy you to watch The View or The Today Show without talking back to the TV.
Diamonds: They’re shiny and they’re worth a shit-load of money. You should get some right away. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a total douche.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
A Few Things That Happened At Islands Today
So, this has nothing to do with anything, but I went to Islands today with my Mom, my sister and her six week old baby.
The minute we sat down the waitress was like, do you guys want a basket of fries, or some exotic drinks?
Um, yeah, it's noon on Saturday at a mall in Ontario, California, we have a six week old baby with us, so yes, yes please bring us those exotic drinks. How did you know? Are you some kind of psychic? We came to Islands at the mall to get shit-faced and then drag-race around the parking lot with the baby. Well played, Islands restaurant.
And then, after lunch, I was holding the baby and he pooped all over me.
I was like, yeah, that seems about right.
The minute we sat down the waitress was like, do you guys want a basket of fries, or some exotic drinks?
Um, yeah, it's noon on Saturday at a mall in Ontario, California, we have a six week old baby with us, so yes, yes please bring us those exotic drinks. How did you know? Are you some kind of psychic? We came to Islands at the mall to get shit-faced and then drag-race around the parking lot with the baby. Well played, Islands restaurant.
And then, after lunch, I was holding the baby and he pooped all over me.
I was like, yeah, that seems about right.
Daily Affirmations For People Who Do Too Much Drugs
September 4th
Remember that you are awesome. The most awesome. Especially when you are on cocaine.
October 29th
You are a special person. Your insights are special. Especially your insights about Pink Floyd. Wow.
December 6th
Spend some time with yourself. Alone. Don't let anyone in. Don't answer the phone. It's probably the government. They're in your brain. Maybe you should rearrange the furniture again. That'll fool 'em.
November 14th
Wait, I thought it was December? Is someone trying to fuck with me?
January 2nd
You have so many talents. At least you used to. Remember?
February 18th
Listen to the wind. Feel the rain. You are part of nature. Because you are homeless now.
Remember that you are awesome. The most awesome. Especially when you are on cocaine.
October 29th
You are a special person. Your insights are special. Especially your insights about Pink Floyd. Wow.
December 6th
Spend some time with yourself. Alone. Don't let anyone in. Don't answer the phone. It's probably the government. They're in your brain. Maybe you should rearrange the furniture again. That'll fool 'em.
November 14th
Wait, I thought it was December? Is someone trying to fuck with me?
January 2nd
You have so many talents. At least you used to. Remember?
February 18th
Listen to the wind. Feel the rain. You are part of nature. Because you are homeless now.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Things You Should Also Be Against If You Are Against Gay Marriage
Non-segregated bathrooms
Women voting
Logic
Common sense
History
Women voting
Logic
Common sense
History
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Should I Home School My Child?
With each passing year, the world seems to become more violent, less humane, and more polluted. Just keeping your kid safe can be an all-consuming concern. It can almost make you want to lock your kid up in a cage. Don’t! Trust me when I tell you that it’s illegal, and that your kid will want to rebel, and by rebel I mean kill you in your sleep.
But there is something that you can do to keep your kid almost as safe as if he lived in a cage. Yes, I’m talking about home-schooling!
While most kids are packed of to kindergartens filled with hypodermic needles, gang members, restless hookers and weird, tiny milk cartons, you can legally keep your kids at home and teach them from the many home-schooling texts available.
Of course, it’s hard to know if home schooling is right for your kids. Fill out the short questionnaire below to see which type of schooling best fits your child’s needs:
Home Schooling Questionnaire:
I believe...
1.That my child would do well in a large-group setting __
2.That my child would do well in a one-on-one setting __
3. That human being evolved from apes __
4. That humans were gently lowered to earth on a pulley system built by the baby Jesus! __
5. That exposure to outside ideas, opinions, beliefs, and cultures will make my child more well-rounded __
6. That Mrs. Hawkins, the first grade teacher at Washington Elementary, is possessed by the devil __
7. That while not perfect, Public Schools do their best to give each child special attention __
8. That satan lives in the chalk, and also in the swingset and the curly slide , and yay he layeth in the the spelling books, and hunches in the Capri Suns of our youth. Lo, he does lurk in the paste and in the tiny, non-sharp scissors. He speaketh through the mouths of the choir teacher, and sings in the recitals. He causeth the children to readeth of the Pokey Little Puppy, and also of the Cat who lives in the Hat. He is not content to play at recess only, but also must be packed into the lunchables and stirred into the pudding cups. And he shall make himself known in the evil that these children do, not only in the pulling of the hair, but also in the lisping, and the peeing of the pants. And to safe keep your children, you must keep them at the home, so that they will be sheltered from the terror of the elementary school, and of the serpents within __
If you checked mostly odd numbers, your children will be just fine in a Public School.
If you checked mostly even numbers, you are now the new Educational Czar of the Bush Administration.
But there is something that you can do to keep your kid almost as safe as if he lived in a cage. Yes, I’m talking about home-schooling!
While most kids are packed of to kindergartens filled with hypodermic needles, gang members, restless hookers and weird, tiny milk cartons, you can legally keep your kids at home and teach them from the many home-schooling texts available.
Of course, it’s hard to know if home schooling is right for your kids. Fill out the short questionnaire below to see which type of schooling best fits your child’s needs:
Home Schooling Questionnaire:
I believe...
1.That my child would do well in a large-group setting __
2.That my child would do well in a one-on-one setting __
3. That human being evolved from apes __
4. That humans were gently lowered to earth on a pulley system built by the baby Jesus! __
5. That exposure to outside ideas, opinions, beliefs, and cultures will make my child more well-rounded __
6. That Mrs. Hawkins, the first grade teacher at Washington Elementary, is possessed by the devil __
7. That while not perfect, Public Schools do their best to give each child special attention __
8. That satan lives in the chalk, and also in the swingset and the curly slide , and yay he layeth in the the spelling books, and hunches in the Capri Suns of our youth. Lo, he does lurk in the paste and in the tiny, non-sharp scissors. He speaketh through the mouths of the choir teacher, and sings in the recitals. He causeth the children to readeth of the Pokey Little Puppy, and also of the Cat who lives in the Hat. He is not content to play at recess only, but also must be packed into the lunchables and stirred into the pudding cups. And he shall make himself known in the evil that these children do, not only in the pulling of the hair, but also in the lisping, and the peeing of the pants. And to safe keep your children, you must keep them at the home, so that they will be sheltered from the terror of the elementary school, and of the serpents within __
If you checked mostly odd numbers, your children will be just fine in a Public School.
If you checked mostly even numbers, you are now the new Educational Czar of the Bush Administration.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Karl Rove Does Some Push-Polling At His New Job
INT. HOME DEPOT CHECK-OUT-- DAY
KARL: So, you're gonna buy this grill, huh?
CUSTOMER: Yep.
KARL: Would you want to buy this one if you knew you could get it cheaper somewhere else?
CUSTOMER: Well, I priced this grill all over town and I'm sure this is the cheapest I'm gonna get it.
KARL: Would you still want to buy this grill if you knew that this grill had a safety flaw that had resulted in several people being burned?
CUSTOMER: Does it have that flaw?
KARL: Would you buy it if it did?
CUTOMER: No, but--
KARL: What if it didn't just burn people, what if it decapitated them?
CUSTOMER: Oh my God, how?
KARL: Would you buy it then?
CUSTOMER: Did they put their heads in the grill?
KARL: What if this grill fathered an illegitimate black baby?
CUSTOMER: What?
KARL: And it's gay. This is a gay grill.
CUSTOMER: Could I talk to your manager?
KARL: A gay, muslim, serial rapist grill. What, do you want to get raped? Huh, is that what you want?
CUSTOMER. Look, I am buying this grill. Just ring me up for it, and the charcoal, and let me go.
KARL: Fine.
CUSTOMER: Fine.
KARL: You know, this charcoal may or may not have been romantically involved with Mohammed Atta.
KARL: So, you're gonna buy this grill, huh?
CUSTOMER: Yep.
KARL: Would you want to buy this one if you knew you could get it cheaper somewhere else?
CUSTOMER: Well, I priced this grill all over town and I'm sure this is the cheapest I'm gonna get it.
KARL: Would you still want to buy this grill if you knew that this grill had a safety flaw that had resulted in several people being burned?
CUSTOMER: Does it have that flaw?
KARL: Would you buy it if it did?
CUTOMER: No, but--
KARL: What if it didn't just burn people, what if it decapitated them?
CUSTOMER: Oh my God, how?
KARL: Would you buy it then?
CUSTOMER: Did they put their heads in the grill?
KARL: What if this grill fathered an illegitimate black baby?
CUSTOMER: What?
KARL: And it's gay. This is a gay grill.
CUSTOMER: Could I talk to your manager?
KARL: A gay, muslim, serial rapist grill. What, do you want to get raped? Huh, is that what you want?
CUSTOMER. Look, I am buying this grill. Just ring me up for it, and the charcoal, and let me go.
KARL: Fine.
CUSTOMER: Fine.
KARL: You know, this charcoal may or may not have been romantically involved with Mohammed Atta.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Spoilers For Upcoming Episodes Of Entourage
Vincent Chase almost doesn't get the part in a big Spielberg movie. But then he does.
Ari Gold almost loses a client because his kid gets in a fight with his client's kid at school. But then he doesn't lose the client.
Johnny Drama almost loses a part because he smells weird. But then he gets to keep the part and gets a free car.
Eric almost doesn't sleep with a hot girl, but then he does, and the girl turns out to be a free car.
Turtle almost gets arrested for selling weed to Sharon Stone, but then she blows him instead, and gives him a free car and the free car turns out to be Jessica Alba, who also blows him and gives him a free car.
Vincent Chase almost dies, but instead of dying, he wins an Oscar and gets elected President of the World.
Ari Gold almost loses a client because his kid gets in a fight with his client's kid at school. But then he doesn't lose the client.
Johnny Drama almost loses a part because he smells weird. But then he gets to keep the part and gets a free car.
Eric almost doesn't sleep with a hot girl, but then he does, and the girl turns out to be a free car.
Turtle almost gets arrested for selling weed to Sharon Stone, but then she blows him instead, and gives him a free car and the free car turns out to be Jessica Alba, who also blows him and gives him a free car.
Vincent Chase almost dies, but instead of dying, he wins an Oscar and gets elected President of the World.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Things You Can Say About The Weather That Aren't Boring
The Weather beat the shit out of me in the Octagon.
The Weather made a sex tape with his own sister.
The Weather knows what really happened on 9-11, and he'll tell you...for a price...the price of your life...which he will take from you...get it? Ok, I'll explain it again. In exchange for you dying, you can get the whole story of what happened on 9-11.
The Weather just sold me one thousand hits of LSD.
It's not the heat, it's The Weather's twelve inch uncircumcised penis.
The Weather made a sex tape with his own sister.
The Weather knows what really happened on 9-11, and he'll tell you...for a price...the price of your life...which he will take from you...get it? Ok, I'll explain it again. In exchange for you dying, you can get the whole story of what happened on 9-11.
The Weather just sold me one thousand hits of LSD.
It's not the heat, it's The Weather's twelve inch uncircumcised penis.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
TOMKAT NUDE
If you aren't excited about this little item from Best Week Ever, then you aren't alive from the waist down:
According to Sawf News via Dlisted:
“They have already started planning some of the photos. One suggestion they were keen on was a shot of them posing together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam.”
Cruise and Holmes, 28, have so far kept a wholesome family image in Hollywood but they also want to show off a more sensual side of their relationship.
“Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry,” says the pal. “They want to show the world how much.”
YES!
Here are my other suggestions for some hot photo set-ups:
Tom and Katie both dress up like bananas and fight with swords.
Katie is shown totally naked while Tom looks at her like she's crazy.
Tom has sex with a guy while Katie reads a magazine about sewing.
According to Sawf News via Dlisted:
“They have already started planning some of the photos. One suggestion they were keen on was a shot of them posing together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam.”
Cruise and Holmes, 28, have so far kept a wholesome family image in Hollywood but they also want to show off a more sensual side of their relationship.
“Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry,” says the pal. “They want to show the world how much.”
YES!
Here are my other suggestions for some hot photo set-ups:
Tom and Katie both dress up like bananas and fight with swords.
Katie is shown totally naked while Tom looks at her like she's crazy.
Tom has sex with a guy while Katie reads a magazine about sewing.
Recommendations
It seems like every magazine or website has a recommendations section, so I think I'd better do one too.
We recommend...
Burt's Bees Lip Balm
Not getting AIDS
We recommend...
Burt's Bees Lip Balm
Not getting AIDS
I'm awesome.
I just started doing this blog like two days ago, and I thought I was awesome for figuring out how to write the HTML code to put links in the post below. But they don't work, which has caused me to realize that I am not awesome.
I was also going to post something like once a week, but have now posted something every day. This site is like a brand new baby that I just can't stop looking at and cooing over.
I can't wait until it gets a little older and I start neglecting it, giving it soda because buying milk is hard, and then trying to get a dentist to whiten its tiny little teeth.
I would provide a link to the story about Britney Spears that I am referencing, but clearly I am not awesome enough to do that.
UPDATE: My links work now. In your face, HTML.
I was also going to post something like once a week, but have now posted something every day. This site is like a brand new baby that I just can't stop looking at and cooing over.
I can't wait until it gets a little older and I start neglecting it, giving it soda because buying milk is hard, and then trying to get a dentist to whiten its tiny little teeth.
I would provide a link to the story about Britney Spears that I am referencing, but clearly I am not awesome enough to do that.
UPDATE: My links work now. In your face, HTML.
Oh, Professor!
I don't know if you've been keeping up with the Robert Olen Butler scandal, but it's hilarious and sad all at once.
It's getting a lot of play on Gawker here, here, and here.
The upshot is that his wife is leaving him for Ted Turner, and he wrote a crazy email to some grad students which (of course) got passed around the internet. And of course it didn't stop there. Once Butler saw it on the web, he continued to write notes to Gawker chastising them for posting an email, insisting that it was private.
But come on. Okay, I get it if this was some anonymous Joe caught in the wheels of our modern-day-internets having his pain and embarrasment exploited. But Robert Olen Butler is a famous author, and he wrote a letter, albeit via email. There are massive sections of libraries devoted to even the most mundane correspondence of famous authors. Books of letters to and from famous authors come out all the time. When I was at college, I took a class on T.S. Eliot, and he had had an ongoing dalliance with a woman who taught at the women's college in our consortium while his wife was in the crazy-hatch. The letters didn't contain any lost poems or anything...they were just relics of his messy personal life, but they were treated like the crown jewels.
So when Pulitzer Prize winner Robert Olen Butler is shocked that his letter is of interest to anyone else, well, I'm not buying it.
Also, I wrote this fake letter from a cuckolded professor to his class last November:
McSweeney's
It's getting a lot of play on Gawker here, here, and here.
The upshot is that his wife is leaving him for Ted Turner, and he wrote a crazy email to some grad students which (of course) got passed around the internet. And of course it didn't stop there. Once Butler saw it on the web, he continued to write notes to Gawker chastising them for posting an email, insisting that it was private.
But come on. Okay, I get it if this was some anonymous Joe caught in the wheels of our modern-day-internets having his pain and embarrasment exploited. But Robert Olen Butler is a famous author, and he wrote a letter, albeit via email. There are massive sections of libraries devoted to even the most mundane correspondence of famous authors. Books of letters to and from famous authors come out all the time. When I was at college, I took a class on T.S. Eliot, and he had had an ongoing dalliance with a woman who taught at the women's college in our consortium while his wife was in the crazy-hatch. The letters didn't contain any lost poems or anything...they were just relics of his messy personal life, but they were treated like the crown jewels.
So when Pulitzer Prize winner Robert Olen Butler is shocked that his letter is of interest to anyone else, well, I'm not buying it.
Also, I wrote this fake letter from a cuckolded professor to his class last November:
McSweeney's
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Stars! They're just like us!
SIGHTING!
Cameron Diaz spotted sleeping until Eleven A.M., getting up to watch The View for an hour, then heading straight back to bed until dinner. Just like us!
ITEM!
A little bird tells us that Lindsay Lohan googles all of my ex-boyfriends obsessively to make sure that they haven’t gotten married or achieved anything professionally. Just like us!
NEW HOT COUPLE ALERT!
We were excited to see A-list bad-boy Brandon Davis canoodling with an order of Nachos Bell Grande last Saturday night, mumbling “Nachos love me. Nachos would never cheat on me.” Just like us!
BABY BOOM!
We chatted with hot celeb mom Jennifer Garner at the playground with her baby...her imaginary baby. She pretended her baby was real, but it’s not! Because she’s barren. Just like us!
PET PRIDE
We hear that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher melted some hearts when a friend dropped in to find them hosting an anniversary party for their cats. An anniversary of the day they adopted their cats! Isn’t that cute? They made tiny cakes out of tuna fish for the cats. Ten tiny cakes -- one for each cat! And then they poured eleven glasses of cham-pagne -- and drank all eleven! Then the friend said that they should “get a life” and maybe start “seeing a therapist” and “not call them until they’ve cleaned up.” That friend just doesn’t understand them. Nobody understands them. But they are awesome. So awesome. Just wait and see. They might go to graduate school. They might even go to law school. Maybe they’re studying for the LSATs. You don’t know. Maybe they’ll become a lawyer and sue you for being a bad friend! Oh yes you can so do that. Oh, they’re so sleepy. Just gonna take a little nap on the floor. Floor loves us, don’t you, floor? Floor and Nachos Bell Grande. They’re the only friends Demi and Ashton need! Just like us!
OOPS
I hear that a certain celluloid star had to call all of her friends this morning to apologize for the email she sent last night that was just a blurry picture of her boobs.
Just like us!
Cameron Diaz spotted sleeping until Eleven A.M., getting up to watch The View for an hour, then heading straight back to bed until dinner. Just like us!
ITEM!
A little bird tells us that Lindsay Lohan googles all of my ex-boyfriends obsessively to make sure that they haven’t gotten married or achieved anything professionally. Just like us!
NEW HOT COUPLE ALERT!
We were excited to see A-list bad-boy Brandon Davis canoodling with an order of Nachos Bell Grande last Saturday night, mumbling “Nachos love me. Nachos would never cheat on me.” Just like us!
BABY BOOM!
We chatted with hot celeb mom Jennifer Garner at the playground with her baby...her imaginary baby. She pretended her baby was real, but it’s not! Because she’s barren. Just like us!
PET PRIDE
We hear that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher melted some hearts when a friend dropped in to find them hosting an anniversary party for their cats. An anniversary of the day they adopted their cats! Isn’t that cute? They made tiny cakes out of tuna fish for the cats. Ten tiny cakes -- one for each cat! And then they poured eleven glasses of cham-pagne -- and drank all eleven! Then the friend said that they should “get a life” and maybe start “seeing a therapist” and “not call them until they’ve cleaned up.” That friend just doesn’t understand them. Nobody understands them. But they are awesome. So awesome. Just wait and see. They might go to graduate school. They might even go to law school. Maybe they’re studying for the LSATs. You don’t know. Maybe they’ll become a lawyer and sue you for being a bad friend! Oh yes you can so do that. Oh, they’re so sleepy. Just gonna take a little nap on the floor. Floor loves us, don’t you, floor? Floor and Nachos Bell Grande. They’re the only friends Demi and Ashton need! Just like us!
OOPS
I hear that a certain celluloid star had to call all of her friends this morning to apologize for the email she sent last night that was just a blurry picture of her boobs.
Just like us!
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