So, I was walking the pickets this morning at a lame hour (the early shift starts at six), and I was trying to give fliers to all the cool awesome people going to work at CBS (btw, crossing the picket lines in a fucking jaguar, scowling, makes you a superdildo, period), and I'd give them all a big smile and ask them to read our little pamphlet on why we're striking. And I meant to think this:
"Wow, I'm being really perky, like a waitress at Chili's."
But instead, I thought:
"Wow, I'm being really perky, like a waitress at Onion's."
There is no such restaurant as Onion's, and Onion's is the single worst idea for a restaurant ever. All of the food is onion-based, even the desserts, and there's a giant talking onion that welcomes you when you walk in the door.
Also, why does the restaurant Chili's have an apostrophe in the name? What is it posessing? When you walk in, are you then actually owned by a chili?
In conclusion, I should never wake up at 5 a.m., because I have LOST MY MIND.
Now, Onion's is a horrible idea, but my great idea for a restaurant is called Pudding Canyon. It's a restaurant with four big canyons dug in the ground, each filled with a different kind of pudding -- chocolate, vanilla, butterscotch and cherry. You can either buy pudding by weight or time. That's to say, you can either weigh in on the giant scale in the middle of the canyons where everyone can see you, and then pay at the end after you've eaten your fill by weighing in again and paying the difference, or you can pay by amount of time you want to spend in the canyons.
You have to wear a special clear plastic pudding-bathing suit. In between flavors, you must be hosed down in the hosing pit.
The commercial has the following jingle:
Butterscotch, vanilla, chocolate and cherry
Forty percent less drownings since January
Pudding Canyon
You're drowning in it!
Now that, my friends, is a great fucking idea for a restaurant.
If you want to read something much smarter this morning, please visit my friend Stella Kevlar's blog HERE
Also, I gots a new McSweeney's up today:
HERE
kthxbai
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6 comments:
Stella Kevlar is a slut.
I have to tell you that there is a restaurant called The Onion here in Spokane, WA. but they don't base their menu around Onions. In fact I'm not really sure why it's called The Onion at all.
Cherry is in fourth place as a pudding? I disagree. I've never even seen a cherry pudding in my whole life.
--DBI
@DBI
You arent's from the streets like me. On the street we eat only bullets and Cherry pudding.
@Rachel
Please burn down The Onion for copyright infringement.
@ Hugo
Agreed.
Are you allowed to go to the bathroom before you are weighed at the end? If so, I have some free* advice as you perfect the concept of your restaurant. You should totally have a monitor, like the guy who has to watch NFL players pee so they don't try to substitute monkey urine for their own THC-spiked tinkle.
*I wouldn't turn down a free cannonball in the cherry pudding, once you're up and running.
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