Non-segregated bathrooms
Women voting
Logic
Common sense
History
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Should I Home School My Child?
With each passing year, the world seems to become more violent, less humane, and more polluted. Just keeping your kid safe can be an all-consuming concern. It can almost make you want to lock your kid up in a cage. Don’t! Trust me when I tell you that it’s illegal, and that your kid will want to rebel, and by rebel I mean kill you in your sleep.
But there is something that you can do to keep your kid almost as safe as if he lived in a cage. Yes, I’m talking about home-schooling!
While most kids are packed of to kindergartens filled with hypodermic needles, gang members, restless hookers and weird, tiny milk cartons, you can legally keep your kids at home and teach them from the many home-schooling texts available.
Of course, it’s hard to know if home schooling is right for your kids. Fill out the short questionnaire below to see which type of schooling best fits your child’s needs:
Home Schooling Questionnaire:
I believe...
1.That my child would do well in a large-group setting __
2.That my child would do well in a one-on-one setting __
3. That human being evolved from apes __
4. That humans were gently lowered to earth on a pulley system built by the baby Jesus! __
5. That exposure to outside ideas, opinions, beliefs, and cultures will make my child more well-rounded __
6. That Mrs. Hawkins, the first grade teacher at Washington Elementary, is possessed by the devil __
7. That while not perfect, Public Schools do their best to give each child special attention __
8. That satan lives in the chalk, and also in the swingset and the curly slide , and yay he layeth in the the spelling books, and hunches in the Capri Suns of our youth. Lo, he does lurk in the paste and in the tiny, non-sharp scissors. He speaketh through the mouths of the choir teacher, and sings in the recitals. He causeth the children to readeth of the Pokey Little Puppy, and also of the Cat who lives in the Hat. He is not content to play at recess only, but also must be packed into the lunchables and stirred into the pudding cups. And he shall make himself known in the evil that these children do, not only in the pulling of the hair, but also in the lisping, and the peeing of the pants. And to safe keep your children, you must keep them at the home, so that they will be sheltered from the terror of the elementary school, and of the serpents within __
If you checked mostly odd numbers, your children will be just fine in a Public School.
If you checked mostly even numbers, you are now the new Educational Czar of the Bush Administration.
But there is something that you can do to keep your kid almost as safe as if he lived in a cage. Yes, I’m talking about home-schooling!
While most kids are packed of to kindergartens filled with hypodermic needles, gang members, restless hookers and weird, tiny milk cartons, you can legally keep your kids at home and teach them from the many home-schooling texts available.
Of course, it’s hard to know if home schooling is right for your kids. Fill out the short questionnaire below to see which type of schooling best fits your child’s needs:
Home Schooling Questionnaire:
I believe...
1.That my child would do well in a large-group setting __
2.That my child would do well in a one-on-one setting __
3. That human being evolved from apes __
4. That humans were gently lowered to earth on a pulley system built by the baby Jesus! __
5. That exposure to outside ideas, opinions, beliefs, and cultures will make my child more well-rounded __
6. That Mrs. Hawkins, the first grade teacher at Washington Elementary, is possessed by the devil __
7. That while not perfect, Public Schools do their best to give each child special attention __
8. That satan lives in the chalk, and also in the swingset and the curly slide , and yay he layeth in the the spelling books, and hunches in the Capri Suns of our youth. Lo, he does lurk in the paste and in the tiny, non-sharp scissors. He speaketh through the mouths of the choir teacher, and sings in the recitals. He causeth the children to readeth of the Pokey Little Puppy, and also of the Cat who lives in the Hat. He is not content to play at recess only, but also must be packed into the lunchables and stirred into the pudding cups. And he shall make himself known in the evil that these children do, not only in the pulling of the hair, but also in the lisping, and the peeing of the pants. And to safe keep your children, you must keep them at the home, so that they will be sheltered from the terror of the elementary school, and of the serpents within __
If you checked mostly odd numbers, your children will be just fine in a Public School.
If you checked mostly even numbers, you are now the new Educational Czar of the Bush Administration.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Karl Rove Does Some Push-Polling At His New Job
INT. HOME DEPOT CHECK-OUT-- DAY
KARL: So, you're gonna buy this grill, huh?
CUSTOMER: Yep.
KARL: Would you want to buy this one if you knew you could get it cheaper somewhere else?
CUSTOMER: Well, I priced this grill all over town and I'm sure this is the cheapest I'm gonna get it.
KARL: Would you still want to buy this grill if you knew that this grill had a safety flaw that had resulted in several people being burned?
CUSTOMER: Does it have that flaw?
KARL: Would you buy it if it did?
CUTOMER: No, but--
KARL: What if it didn't just burn people, what if it decapitated them?
CUSTOMER: Oh my God, how?
KARL: Would you buy it then?
CUSTOMER: Did they put their heads in the grill?
KARL: What if this grill fathered an illegitimate black baby?
CUSTOMER: What?
KARL: And it's gay. This is a gay grill.
CUSTOMER: Could I talk to your manager?
KARL: A gay, muslim, serial rapist grill. What, do you want to get raped? Huh, is that what you want?
CUSTOMER. Look, I am buying this grill. Just ring me up for it, and the charcoal, and let me go.
KARL: Fine.
CUSTOMER: Fine.
KARL: You know, this charcoal may or may not have been romantically involved with Mohammed Atta.
KARL: So, you're gonna buy this grill, huh?
CUSTOMER: Yep.
KARL: Would you want to buy this one if you knew you could get it cheaper somewhere else?
CUSTOMER: Well, I priced this grill all over town and I'm sure this is the cheapest I'm gonna get it.
KARL: Would you still want to buy this grill if you knew that this grill had a safety flaw that had resulted in several people being burned?
CUSTOMER: Does it have that flaw?
KARL: Would you buy it if it did?
CUTOMER: No, but--
KARL: What if it didn't just burn people, what if it decapitated them?
CUSTOMER: Oh my God, how?
KARL: Would you buy it then?
CUSTOMER: Did they put their heads in the grill?
KARL: What if this grill fathered an illegitimate black baby?
CUSTOMER: What?
KARL: And it's gay. This is a gay grill.
CUSTOMER: Could I talk to your manager?
KARL: A gay, muslim, serial rapist grill. What, do you want to get raped? Huh, is that what you want?
CUSTOMER. Look, I am buying this grill. Just ring me up for it, and the charcoal, and let me go.
KARL: Fine.
CUSTOMER: Fine.
KARL: You know, this charcoal may or may not have been romantically involved with Mohammed Atta.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Spoilers For Upcoming Episodes Of Entourage
Vincent Chase almost doesn't get the part in a big Spielberg movie. But then he does.
Ari Gold almost loses a client because his kid gets in a fight with his client's kid at school. But then he doesn't lose the client.
Johnny Drama almost loses a part because he smells weird. But then he gets to keep the part and gets a free car.
Eric almost doesn't sleep with a hot girl, but then he does, and the girl turns out to be a free car.
Turtle almost gets arrested for selling weed to Sharon Stone, but then she blows him instead, and gives him a free car and the free car turns out to be Jessica Alba, who also blows him and gives him a free car.
Vincent Chase almost dies, but instead of dying, he wins an Oscar and gets elected President of the World.
Ari Gold almost loses a client because his kid gets in a fight with his client's kid at school. But then he doesn't lose the client.
Johnny Drama almost loses a part because he smells weird. But then he gets to keep the part and gets a free car.
Eric almost doesn't sleep with a hot girl, but then he does, and the girl turns out to be a free car.
Turtle almost gets arrested for selling weed to Sharon Stone, but then she blows him instead, and gives him a free car and the free car turns out to be Jessica Alba, who also blows him and gives him a free car.
Vincent Chase almost dies, but instead of dying, he wins an Oscar and gets elected President of the World.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Things You Can Say About The Weather That Aren't Boring
The Weather beat the shit out of me in the Octagon.
The Weather made a sex tape with his own sister.
The Weather knows what really happened on 9-11, and he'll tell you...for a price...the price of your life...which he will take from you...get it? Ok, I'll explain it again. In exchange for you dying, you can get the whole story of what happened on 9-11.
The Weather just sold me one thousand hits of LSD.
It's not the heat, it's The Weather's twelve inch uncircumcised penis.
The Weather made a sex tape with his own sister.
The Weather knows what really happened on 9-11, and he'll tell you...for a price...the price of your life...which he will take from you...get it? Ok, I'll explain it again. In exchange for you dying, you can get the whole story of what happened on 9-11.
The Weather just sold me one thousand hits of LSD.
It's not the heat, it's The Weather's twelve inch uncircumcised penis.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
TOMKAT NUDE
If you aren't excited about this little item from Best Week Ever, then you aren't alive from the waist down:
According to Sawf News via Dlisted:
“They have already started planning some of the photos. One suggestion they were keen on was a shot of them posing together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam.”
Cruise and Holmes, 28, have so far kept a wholesome family image in Hollywood but they also want to show off a more sensual side of their relationship.
“Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry,” says the pal. “They want to show the world how much.”
YES!
Here are my other suggestions for some hot photo set-ups:
Tom and Katie both dress up like bananas and fight with swords.
Katie is shown totally naked while Tom looks at her like she's crazy.
Tom has sex with a guy while Katie reads a magazine about sewing.
According to Sawf News via Dlisted:
“They have already started planning some of the photos. One suggestion they were keen on was a shot of them posing together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam.”
Cruise and Holmes, 28, have so far kept a wholesome family image in Hollywood but they also want to show off a more sensual side of their relationship.
“Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry,” says the pal. “They want to show the world how much.”
YES!
Here are my other suggestions for some hot photo set-ups:
Tom and Katie both dress up like bananas and fight with swords.
Katie is shown totally naked while Tom looks at her like she's crazy.
Tom has sex with a guy while Katie reads a magazine about sewing.
Recommendations
It seems like every magazine or website has a recommendations section, so I think I'd better do one too.
We recommend...
Burt's Bees Lip Balm
Not getting AIDS
We recommend...
Burt's Bees Lip Balm
Not getting AIDS
I'm awesome.
I just started doing this blog like two days ago, and I thought I was awesome for figuring out how to write the HTML code to put links in the post below. But they don't work, which has caused me to realize that I am not awesome.
I was also going to post something like once a week, but have now posted something every day. This site is like a brand new baby that I just can't stop looking at and cooing over.
I can't wait until it gets a little older and I start neglecting it, giving it soda because buying milk is hard, and then trying to get a dentist to whiten its tiny little teeth.
I would provide a link to the story about Britney Spears that I am referencing, but clearly I am not awesome enough to do that.
UPDATE: My links work now. In your face, HTML.
I was also going to post something like once a week, but have now posted something every day. This site is like a brand new baby that I just can't stop looking at and cooing over.
I can't wait until it gets a little older and I start neglecting it, giving it soda because buying milk is hard, and then trying to get a dentist to whiten its tiny little teeth.
I would provide a link to the story about Britney Spears that I am referencing, but clearly I am not awesome enough to do that.
UPDATE: My links work now. In your face, HTML.
Oh, Professor!
I don't know if you've been keeping up with the Robert Olen Butler scandal, but it's hilarious and sad all at once.
It's getting a lot of play on Gawker here, here, and here.
The upshot is that his wife is leaving him for Ted Turner, and he wrote a crazy email to some grad students which (of course) got passed around the internet. And of course it didn't stop there. Once Butler saw it on the web, he continued to write notes to Gawker chastising them for posting an email, insisting that it was private.
But come on. Okay, I get it if this was some anonymous Joe caught in the wheels of our modern-day-internets having his pain and embarrasment exploited. But Robert Olen Butler is a famous author, and he wrote a letter, albeit via email. There are massive sections of libraries devoted to even the most mundane correspondence of famous authors. Books of letters to and from famous authors come out all the time. When I was at college, I took a class on T.S. Eliot, and he had had an ongoing dalliance with a woman who taught at the women's college in our consortium while his wife was in the crazy-hatch. The letters didn't contain any lost poems or anything...they were just relics of his messy personal life, but they were treated like the crown jewels.
So when Pulitzer Prize winner Robert Olen Butler is shocked that his letter is of interest to anyone else, well, I'm not buying it.
Also, I wrote this fake letter from a cuckolded professor to his class last November:
McSweeney's
It's getting a lot of play on Gawker here, here, and here.
The upshot is that his wife is leaving him for Ted Turner, and he wrote a crazy email to some grad students which (of course) got passed around the internet. And of course it didn't stop there. Once Butler saw it on the web, he continued to write notes to Gawker chastising them for posting an email, insisting that it was private.
But come on. Okay, I get it if this was some anonymous Joe caught in the wheels of our modern-day-internets having his pain and embarrasment exploited. But Robert Olen Butler is a famous author, and he wrote a letter, albeit via email. There are massive sections of libraries devoted to even the most mundane correspondence of famous authors. Books of letters to and from famous authors come out all the time. When I was at college, I took a class on T.S. Eliot, and he had had an ongoing dalliance with a woman who taught at the women's college in our consortium while his wife was in the crazy-hatch. The letters didn't contain any lost poems or anything...they were just relics of his messy personal life, but they were treated like the crown jewels.
So when Pulitzer Prize winner Robert Olen Butler is shocked that his letter is of interest to anyone else, well, I'm not buying it.
Also, I wrote this fake letter from a cuckolded professor to his class last November:
McSweeney's
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Stars! They're just like us!
SIGHTING!
Cameron Diaz spotted sleeping until Eleven A.M., getting up to watch The View for an hour, then heading straight back to bed until dinner. Just like us!
ITEM!
A little bird tells us that Lindsay Lohan googles all of my ex-boyfriends obsessively to make sure that they haven’t gotten married or achieved anything professionally. Just like us!
NEW HOT COUPLE ALERT!
We were excited to see A-list bad-boy Brandon Davis canoodling with an order of Nachos Bell Grande last Saturday night, mumbling “Nachos love me. Nachos would never cheat on me.” Just like us!
BABY BOOM!
We chatted with hot celeb mom Jennifer Garner at the playground with her baby...her imaginary baby. She pretended her baby was real, but it’s not! Because she’s barren. Just like us!
PET PRIDE
We hear that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher melted some hearts when a friend dropped in to find them hosting an anniversary party for their cats. An anniversary of the day they adopted their cats! Isn’t that cute? They made tiny cakes out of tuna fish for the cats. Ten tiny cakes -- one for each cat! And then they poured eleven glasses of cham-pagne -- and drank all eleven! Then the friend said that they should “get a life” and maybe start “seeing a therapist” and “not call them until they’ve cleaned up.” That friend just doesn’t understand them. Nobody understands them. But they are awesome. So awesome. Just wait and see. They might go to graduate school. They might even go to law school. Maybe they’re studying for the LSATs. You don’t know. Maybe they’ll become a lawyer and sue you for being a bad friend! Oh yes you can so do that. Oh, they’re so sleepy. Just gonna take a little nap on the floor. Floor loves us, don’t you, floor? Floor and Nachos Bell Grande. They’re the only friends Demi and Ashton need! Just like us!
OOPS
I hear that a certain celluloid star had to call all of her friends this morning to apologize for the email she sent last night that was just a blurry picture of her boobs.
Just like us!
Cameron Diaz spotted sleeping until Eleven A.M., getting up to watch The View for an hour, then heading straight back to bed until dinner. Just like us!
ITEM!
A little bird tells us that Lindsay Lohan googles all of my ex-boyfriends obsessively to make sure that they haven’t gotten married or achieved anything professionally. Just like us!
NEW HOT COUPLE ALERT!
We were excited to see A-list bad-boy Brandon Davis canoodling with an order of Nachos Bell Grande last Saturday night, mumbling “Nachos love me. Nachos would never cheat on me.” Just like us!
BABY BOOM!
We chatted with hot celeb mom Jennifer Garner at the playground with her baby...her imaginary baby. She pretended her baby was real, but it’s not! Because she’s barren. Just like us!
PET PRIDE
We hear that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher melted some hearts when a friend dropped in to find them hosting an anniversary party for their cats. An anniversary of the day they adopted their cats! Isn’t that cute? They made tiny cakes out of tuna fish for the cats. Ten tiny cakes -- one for each cat! And then they poured eleven glasses of cham-pagne -- and drank all eleven! Then the friend said that they should “get a life” and maybe start “seeing a therapist” and “not call them until they’ve cleaned up.” That friend just doesn’t understand them. Nobody understands them. But they are awesome. So awesome. Just wait and see. They might go to graduate school. They might even go to law school. Maybe they’re studying for the LSATs. You don’t know. Maybe they’ll become a lawyer and sue you for being a bad friend! Oh yes you can so do that. Oh, they’re so sleepy. Just gonna take a little nap on the floor. Floor loves us, don’t you, floor? Floor and Nachos Bell Grande. They’re the only friends Demi and Ashton need! Just like us!
OOPS
I hear that a certain celluloid star had to call all of her friends this morning to apologize for the email she sent last night that was just a blurry picture of her boobs.
Just like us!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
My Fake Interview With Woody Allen
WM: So, how's banging your step-daughter going?
WOODY: Meh, it's okay.
WM: So you've kind of lost interest?
WOODY: Yeah, a little. But I can't really break up with her.
WM: That must be tough.
WOODY: Yeah, the only way to convince people you aren't just a molester is to get married and have a bunch of kids with the person you molested.
WM: So, she trapped you?
WOODY: Totally.
WOODY: Meh, it's okay.
WM: So you've kind of lost interest?
WOODY: Yeah, a little. But I can't really break up with her.
WM: That must be tough.
WOODY: Yeah, the only way to convince people you aren't just a molester is to get married and have a bunch of kids with the person you molested.
WM: So, she trapped you?
WOODY: Totally.
Monday, July 30, 2007
My Exclusive and Completely Fake Interview With Paris Hilton
WM: So, I saw your interview with Larry King.
PARIS: He’s not a real king.
WM: I know.
PARIS: I thought he was a king. That’s why I said he could interview me. I only want to be interviewed by kings, leprechauns, or talking coconuts.
WM: Oh. Don’t worry. I’m a talking coconut.
PARIS: A what?
WM: I’m a talking coconut.
PARIS: Oh, I’ve never heard of that.
WM: But – nevermind. So, in your interview with Larry King, you said you wanted to do some charity work.
PARIS: Yeah. I’m building houses for babies. So many babies don’t have houses. Because they’re orphans. So I’m trying to build a house for every baby.
WM: So, the babies will live by themselves?
PARIS: What babies? I like babies. I smoked a baby once. Me, Kim Kardashian and Norman Mailer smoked a baby in St. Tropez.
WM: I see. How do you know Norman Mailer?
PARIS: We’re MySpace friends.
WM: Have you read any of his books?
PARIS: Yeah. I read one.
WM: Which one?
PARIS: Harry Potter.
WM: That’s by J.K. Rowling.
PARIS: That’s Norman Mailer’s pen name. He wrote the Harry Potter books. He told me when he was on peyote. Do you know that I used to think peyote was made out of coyotes?
WM: It’s not.
PARIS: I know. I also thought lasagna was made out of coyotes.
WM: Is lasagna one of your favorite foods?
PARIS: Here are the foods I like: Ping Pong balls, earrings, dinosaur meat.
WM: You’ve tasted dinosaur meat?
PARIS: Uh huh. Wilmer Valderrama has a time machine. It’s in his pants. We went back to Renaissance times. I had sex with King Arthur. Then I let him interview me.
WM: What kind of questions did he ask you?
PARIS: He wanted to know whether Nicole Richie was pregnant.
WM: Is she?
PARIS: An angel appeared to her and told her that her baby would be the new Jesus. She punched the angel in the face, and then the angel took over her car and made her drive the wrong way on the freeway. Ninety-nine percent of traffic accidents are caused by angry angels.
WM: So, now that you’re a free woman, what are your plans, professionally-speaking?
PARIS: I’m going to go to medical school. I got accepted already.
WM: Which medical school accepted you?
PARIS: Souplantation.
WM: Oh. What will you specialize in?
PARIS: Caesar salad. It’s made by coyotes. And I want to find a cure for talking coconuts. Actually, I have to go now. I have to go buy my books for the upcoming semester.
WM: Okay, just one more question. Why do you think everyone’s so obsessed with you and your celebrity friends?
PARIS: I don’t think people are actually that interested. I mean, with everything that’s going on in the world today, I don’t think they’re looking at us as much as they’re aggressively looking away from reality. But maybe I’m being too generous.
WM: Wait, I stopped listening. Can you say that again?
PARIS: I said that I like balloons.
WM: Okay, that’s what I thought.
PARIS: He’s not a real king.
WM: I know.
PARIS: I thought he was a king. That’s why I said he could interview me. I only want to be interviewed by kings, leprechauns, or talking coconuts.
WM: Oh. Don’t worry. I’m a talking coconut.
PARIS: A what?
WM: I’m a talking coconut.
PARIS: Oh, I’ve never heard of that.
WM: But – nevermind. So, in your interview with Larry King, you said you wanted to do some charity work.
PARIS: Yeah. I’m building houses for babies. So many babies don’t have houses. Because they’re orphans. So I’m trying to build a house for every baby.
WM: So, the babies will live by themselves?
PARIS: What babies? I like babies. I smoked a baby once. Me, Kim Kardashian and Norman Mailer smoked a baby in St. Tropez.
WM: I see. How do you know Norman Mailer?
PARIS: We’re MySpace friends.
WM: Have you read any of his books?
PARIS: Yeah. I read one.
WM: Which one?
PARIS: Harry Potter.
WM: That’s by J.K. Rowling.
PARIS: That’s Norman Mailer’s pen name. He wrote the Harry Potter books. He told me when he was on peyote. Do you know that I used to think peyote was made out of coyotes?
WM: It’s not.
PARIS: I know. I also thought lasagna was made out of coyotes.
WM: Is lasagna one of your favorite foods?
PARIS: Here are the foods I like: Ping Pong balls, earrings, dinosaur meat.
WM: You’ve tasted dinosaur meat?
PARIS: Uh huh. Wilmer Valderrama has a time machine. It’s in his pants. We went back to Renaissance times. I had sex with King Arthur. Then I let him interview me.
WM: What kind of questions did he ask you?
PARIS: He wanted to know whether Nicole Richie was pregnant.
WM: Is she?
PARIS: An angel appeared to her and told her that her baby would be the new Jesus. She punched the angel in the face, and then the angel took over her car and made her drive the wrong way on the freeway. Ninety-nine percent of traffic accidents are caused by angry angels.
WM: So, now that you’re a free woman, what are your plans, professionally-speaking?
PARIS: I’m going to go to medical school. I got accepted already.
WM: Which medical school accepted you?
PARIS: Souplantation.
WM: Oh. What will you specialize in?
PARIS: Caesar salad. It’s made by coyotes. And I want to find a cure for talking coconuts. Actually, I have to go now. I have to go buy my books for the upcoming semester.
WM: Okay, just one more question. Why do you think everyone’s so obsessed with you and your celebrity friends?
PARIS: I don’t think people are actually that interested. I mean, with everything that’s going on in the world today, I don’t think they’re looking at us as much as they’re aggressively looking away from reality. But maybe I’m being too generous.
WM: Wait, I stopped listening. Can you say that again?
PARIS: I said that I like balloons.
WM: Okay, that’s what I thought.
Friday, July 27, 2007
My Exclusive Sit-Down With...
Coming Monday, I pretend to sit down for my first fake interview. You won't believe who I didn't get to talk to me, and you'll be shocked by what I'm pretending they said.
Keep your cocaine-filled pants on, it's going to be a real barn-burner, whatever that means. I think it means that for each person that reads it, I will have to go burn an actual barn.
Look out, farmers.
Keep your cocaine-filled pants on, it's going to be a real barn-burner, whatever that means. I think it means that for each person that reads it, I will have to go burn an actual barn.
Look out, farmers.
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