Okay, I am back. Listen up, you dozen people who read my blog! Get ready for some big fucking changes around here, because I have made my New Year's resolutions, and they are so fucking good and life-changing.
1. No more investigating JonBenet Ramsay's murder.
Look, I have spent the best goddamn years of my life on this. It has turned me into a hardened detective unable to have intimate relationships. It's time to turn this case over to that lady on Cold Case. Of course, I could just follow this one last lead...
2. More bacon.
Everybody beats themselves up for not eating enough bacon, I know, it's totally cliched. I know I should realize that people love me even if I don't eat a shitload of bacon, and I know that everybody in America is making this fucking resolution and that everyone runs out and gets a membership to a bacon club right after New Year's and then gives up after like a month, but fuck it, I am really going to try to eat more bacon this year.
3. Come up with a better name for me.
Wendy sucks. It is a stupid name invented by that weird guy who wrote Peter Pan. It's not even a REAL NAME. Need new name. Candidates:
Harbinger
Gawker.com
Empire State Building
Christine
4. Fly a commercial jetliner.
When I do that, I am pretty sure you will hear about it in the news.
5. Stare more.
Are people uncomfortable enough around me? Probably not. More staring.
6. Break up with Gregory Hines.
He's dead, I gots to move on.
7. Say the word "larb" more.
8. Stop letting robots control me.
9. Find out who killed JonBenet Ramsey.
