My Fake Interview With Woody Allen

WM: So, how's banging your step-daughter going?

WOODY: Meh, it's okay.

WM: So you've kind of lost interest?

WOODY: Yeah, a little. But I can't really break up with her.

WM: That must be tough.

WOODY: Yeah, the only way to convince people you aren't just a molester is to get married and have a bunch of kids with the person you molested.

WM: So, she trapped you?

WOODY: Totally.

My Exclusive and Completely Fake Interview With Paris Hilton

WM: So, I saw your interview with Larry King.

PARIS: He’s not a real king.

WM: I know.

PARIS: I thought he was a king. That’s why I said he could interview me. I only want to be interviewed by kings, leprechauns, or talking coconuts.

WM: Oh. Don’t worry. I’m a talking coconut.

PARIS: A what?

WM: I’m a talking coconut.

PARIS: Oh, I’ve never heard of that.

WM: But – nevermind. So, in your interview with Larry King, you said you wanted to do some charity work.

PARIS: Yeah. I’m building houses for babies. So many babies don’t have houses. Because they’re orphans. So I’m trying to build a house for every baby.

WM: So, the babies will live by themselves?

PARIS: What babies? I like babies. I smoked a baby once. Me, Kim Kardashian and Norman Mailer smoked a baby in St. Tropez.

WM: I see. How do you know Norman Mailer?

PARIS: We’re MySpace friends.

WM: Have you read any of his books?

PARIS: Yeah. I read one.

WM: Which one?

PARIS: Harry Potter.

WM: That’s by J.K. Rowling.

PARIS: That’s Norman Mailer’s pen name. He wrote the Harry Potter books. He told me when he was on peyote. Do you know that I used to think peyote was made out of coyotes?

WM: It’s not.

PARIS: I know. I also thought lasagna was made out of coyotes.

WM: Is lasagna one of your favorite foods?

PARIS: Here are the foods I like: Ping Pong balls, earrings, dinosaur meat.

WM: You’ve tasted dinosaur meat?

PARIS: Uh huh. Wilmer Valderrama has a time machine. It’s in his pants. We went back to Renaissance times. I had sex with King Arthur. Then I let him interview me.

WM: What kind of questions did he ask you?

PARIS: He wanted to know whether Nicole Richie was pregnant.

WM: Is she?

PARIS: An angel appeared to her and told her that her baby would be the new Jesus. She punched the angel in the face, and then the angel took over her car and made her drive the wrong way on the freeway. Ninety-nine percent of traffic accidents are caused by angry angels.

WM: So, now that you’re a free woman, what are your plans, professionally-speaking?

PARIS: I’m going to go to medical school. I got accepted already.

WM: Which medical school accepted you?

PARIS: Souplantation.

WM: Oh. What will you specialize in?

PARIS: Caesar salad. It’s made by coyotes. And I want to find a cure for talking coconuts. Actually, I have to go now. I have to go buy my books for the upcoming semester.

WM: Okay, just one more question. Why do you think everyone’s so obsessed with you and your celebrity friends?

PARIS: I don’t think people are actually that interested. I mean, with everything that’s going on in the world today, I don’t think they’re looking at us as much as they’re aggressively looking away from reality. But maybe I’m being too generous.

WM: Wait, I stopped listening. Can you say that again?

PARIS: I said that I like balloons.

WM: Okay, that’s what I thought.

My Exclusive Sit-Down With...

Coming Monday, I pretend to sit down for my first fake interview. You won't believe who I didn't get to talk to me, and you'll be shocked by what I'm pretending they said.

Keep your cocaine-filled pants on, it's going to be a real barn-burner, whatever that means. I think it means that for each person that reads it, I will have to go burn an actual barn.

Look out, farmers.